Thursday 13th September Hello my darling Findley, I sat at your memorial this afternoon, did you see me there? I am never sure if you are there, as I am unsure who would have guided you to know where we all go to speak to you. I don't feel I need to be there to... Continue Reading →

Wednesday 12th September It's autumn, you can see the tree starting to change, even if it's the temperature in the still mid to high teens outside. I feel the chill starting to enter the air though. I can't wait for the winter I can't wait to see the back of 2018. What should have been... Continue Reading →

Tuesday 11th September I thinking back to 8 weeks ago when I counted the time passing as hours, I just needed to get past the hours then I could meet my baby boy. It feels like a very dark time looking back, I feel like I am covered in a dark cloud. I then think... Continue Reading →

Monday 10th September So I try my hardest to protect myself from things that might upset me. The problem is sometimes you can't protect yourself. On Friday I broke my tooth, so now today I have to go to the dentist, an I just know they are going to ask me that question when I... Continue Reading →

Sunday 8th September Today I got back on the ginger one, he has been standing at the gate asking me to take him out for 9 months. The last time I rode him was Christmas Day 2017. I couldn't ride him after this my pelvis just wouldn't let me. I achieved so much with this... Continue Reading →

Saturday 8th September I woke myself up crying last night, this is a first for me. I was obviously dreaming, I remember shouting it's too soon, it's too soon in my dream. Maybe I am feeling like I am doing things too soon... I have no idea but it was horrible, then I struggled to... Continue Reading →

Friday 6th September I still find myself floating from past to present. I just so want to be a mother. I know I am a Mum, Findley gave me the honour of being a mummy, but I never got to be a mother to him. I understand why people steal babies now, I won't be... Continue Reading →

Thursday 6th September So funny how things are starting to fall back into place, I am slowly starting to find myself again. After having to survive James being away, I was forced to either fight or flight! I fought and I have come our fighting still. Today I went for another hack with Dawn, Roxy... Continue Reading →

5th September 2018 I started thinking yesterday about allowing myself happiness. I mentioned the guilt that accompanies any happy moments. The guilt is becoming less and less but it's still there. I speak about allowing myself to forget but it's not forgetting, it allowing myself to move forward and not be stuck in the past... Continue Reading →

Tuesday 4th September Today I achieved something I didn't think I would for a long long time, I rode my horse. I am still in shock that I have done this. I have really struggled being around the horses as I have previously written. on Friday I asked Dawn if she would come for a... Continue Reading →