Day 54 – Finding myself again

Thursday 6th September

So funny how things are starting to fall back into place, I am slowly starting to find myself again. After having to survive James being away, I was forced to either fight or flight! I fought and I have come our fighting still.

Today I went for another hack with Dawn, Roxy and me both enjoyed ourselves, but when I got back I noticed she had a rub from her girth, I could have totally had a melt down at my pony being hurt and by something I had done. I didn’t I just though my poor toot and looked after her, then I realised there is no way that’s from one hack, and though maybe a skin infection. I was so proud of myself after I had dealt with it, as I just though, it will be okay. I managed to deal with something not going right.

I had my therapist today, it was the first session where I spoke about other things rather than just Findley’s death, and this journey. Although I guess it’s because how I was before Findley died has a lot to do with how I am coping with the journey. I have learnt a lot about me, and how I am as a person, and I have a lot more respect for myself, and because of this am a lot kinder to myself. I am an amazing person, I never knew this before.

The past few weeks I have learned the following about myself :

  1. I am very level headed
  2. I care about others
  3. I tend to try and put others before myself
  4. I worry to much about what others think of me.
  5. I have the ability to view problems as a whole, no matter how I feel about it.

I also managed to go shopping with James today, we went to Morrison’s, it’s the first time I have done food shopping since Findley died, I have had massive social anxiety and even the thought of going with James scared me. Today I suggested going and I coped really well. Once or twice I found myself panicking as to who was around me and if there was any one i knew. Might sound silly but I have this idea that I have a big neon sign flashing over my head saying – her baby died, and everyone knows just by looking at me how much pain I am in, and pity me. I know this is silly and not possible but it’s just now my brain was working.

Tonight I made a roast dinner after watching F1 with James, we normally watch F1 on a Sunday but as James wasn’t here I waited till tonight so it felt like a day for a roast chicken. As I cooked dinner James came over and put his arms round me, it instantly flashed me back to when I was pregnant and he would come over and put his arms round me and place his hand on my bump, it is a lovely memory. However it started a spiral journey down into more memories. As we sat eating dinner I started thinking of Christmas 2017 an how happy we were knowing our little peanut was cooking away. I then went on to think of how hard Christmas will be without Findley here. Then I started to think about being pregnant and how much I miss my wriggly bean. I felt tears fill my eyes, as the wave hit me but I didn’t feel overwhelmed by it at all, I just felt like this is what life is going to be like now, life after Findley will always have triggers of memories of my little boy. I think I feel reassured that this will mean I will never forget my precious angel.

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