Day 53 – allowing myself happiness

5th September 2018

I started thinking yesterday about allowing myself happiness. I mentioned the guilt that accompanies any happy moments. The guilt is becoming less and less but it’s still there.

I speak about allowing myself to forget but it’s not forgetting, it allowing myself to move forward and not be stuck in the past sadness. Some times it’s hard to imagine Findley in my life now, I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like having a baby, but now it’s hard to imagine that baby being Findley. However other days the fact he’s not here and fulfilling that dreams is heart breaking. I do imagine the future with children.

Today has been a day I have allowed myself happiness. I went for a run with Zandra, had lunch with Laurie, went to see a clairvoyant, and went shopping for some new jodhpurs. It was nice to see the girls at the equestrian shop, it’s been a while and they all looked happy to see me, and I was happy to see them. They asked how I am doing, it’s just something people ask you, and I say okay, because I do feel like I am okay. It’s so hard to speak about Findley to others if they don’t directly ask me about him. I do bring up being pregnant all the time, being a Mum is a bit harder. This is all new to me, so I guess with time I will be able to know what to say when.

Another blogger I follow wrote about how to speak about your child without upsetting others, I said I would just speak about Findley as much as possible, but in the real world it was harder that I thought it would be.

My clairvoyant was really interesting as well, I got a lot out of my reading. I know some people might think it’s a load of rubbish but I don’t I am a very spiritual person, and i think if you are you get a lot more back from the readings. I came away knowing my baby boy is safe and cared for, as well as the fact I couldn’t do anything to change what happened.

James came home last night, and I got the best sleep I have had for weeks, I felt so safe having him there next to me. He has another job next week but its in the uk, he has asked if I want to go with him, but I think I will be okay for a few days. Plus it’s over a week away, a week can change a lot.

I did cry today too although I have spoken about happiness, I am still sad and of course I will be for a long time. I was listening to Findley’s CD on the way to meet Laurie for lunch, and our first dance song came on, this was the song that played as we walked into the crematorium with Findley. It now has such happy and sad memories attached to it. As it come on I flash form our wedding day, and all our dreams and hopes, to walking down the isle of the old church hearing everyone’s sobs of sadness as our tiny boy was carried in his tiny forever cot. I guess this song will forever be a trigger for sad and happy memories.

Each day the light seems to get a little brighter and the path around the wall seems a little more obvious. I know that I am going to get hit by waves all the time, and I know they are going to take more and more by surprise.

I think I will take the good with the bad, being a Mum isn’t easy and life is full of ups and downs. People who have already travelled this journey tell me, the moment they accepted what had happened life became less turbulent. It’s going to happen to me one day