Day 52 – I have no words

Tuesday 4th September

Today I achieved something I didn’t think I would for a long long time, I rode my horse. I am still in shock that I have done this. I have really struggled being around the horses as I have previously written. on Friday I asked Dawn if she would come for a hack with me this week, she agreed and also kindly agreed to pick Roxy and me up. I wanted to ride with Mum but I was scared I would let her down if I changed my mind.

I felt so anxious from the moment I went to bed last night, I hardly slept and I woke up feeling sick, that pit of stomach sick. I can’t tell you why I felt like this because I have no idea. The journey is full of things I completely do not understand. I guess it might be the fact that getting back on my horses would officially be me accepting I am no longer pregnant? feeling guilt for doing something I love when I should be mourning my baby boy? I don’t know any of the above.

I text Dawn when I got up saying how I felt, I was trying to maybe find a way out of it, I had tossed and turned from 5am, and hadn’t slept much, she reassured me that it was okay to feel how I am. I get up and ask Findley to give me strength and support me to get through today. When I realised that I did actually want to go and ride my horse, I decided I better go and find some clothes they actually fit me, I found myself a pair of jodhpurs and a top and got dressed. I took the dogs out for a walk before heading to mums to pick up Roxy’s tack and my hat.

I arrive at mums and can’t get my key to open her door, I could have cried, if I can’t get in then I can’t get any of my tack so I can’t ride, and it has taken me 7 weeks to get to the point where I even wanted to ride . I text Dawn I can’t believe this is happening, maybe it s a sign for Findley that I shouldn’t ride. I think I might have one more key back at my house so head to pick it up, when. I get back to mums. I realise it’s not only a key for the front door but I also have a key for the garage. I changed my mind and decided it must be meant to be. Findley was having a laugh with me because he knew I was going to be way to early to meet Dawn if then first key had worked.

I spent an hour with Roxy and Bailey before Dawn arrives, they both love a pamper and it’s been some time since I have given them both a good groom, and when I leave they both look less homeless. I forgot how much I love Roxy and bailey cuddles.

I am happy to see Dawn and Alfie and we load Roxy and head to the Forrest. I am not worried about getting back on Roxy, she’s 24 and she’s my first ever baby, I was there when she was born. She’s always been a horse you can get on after months and she would be fine. Once by bum hit the saddle all the memories of how much I enjoyed my horses came flooding back. It’s felt like a comforter. I could feel a little bit of my mind pulling me to a dark place where I wasn’t aloud to be happy. The place where my son has died, but I didn’t let it win.

I can’t even put into words how amazing it felt to be back on. I decided to FaceTime Mum as she’s didn’t know I had planned to ride, when she answers she puts me up to her ear, I tell her to look at her screen. She’s so delighted to see my view between my horses ears. I feel the tears in my eyes, but I don’t think they are sad tears, I think they are tears of acceptance, of allowance. I can see how happy Dawn is as well.

I am so grateful form my amazing friends. Without Dawn I don’t think I would have gotten back on the horses. Today wouldn’t have happened. I even got the biggest hug from Dawn after she drops us back home, anyone that knows Dawn knows she doesn’t do hugs. I can’t even think of how I can thank Dawn for what she didn’t for me today, and how important that today is on this journey. It feels like a massive mile stone.

I think that acceptance is the biggest thing for my just now, and”getting on” with life is accepting that I am no longer pregnant and I don’t have my baby boy to look after. Then there’s the guilt that comes with being happy when something so terrible has happened. I am sure I will have a really good cry still but at the moment I just still can’t believe what I have achieved.

I can imagine Findley being really proud of his mummy too, even if a tiny part of me thinks he will looking down on me wondering if I ever really truly loved him, since I am able to feel happiness again and “get on” with life. Thats the guilty part of my brain over ruling. This journey is so difficult, sometime I hate my brain.

Roxy on obviously enjoyed herself