Day 52 – I have no words

Tuesday 4th September

Today I achieved something I didn’t think I would for a long long time, I rode my horse. I am still in shock that I have done this. I have really struggled being around the horses as I have previously written. on Friday I asked Dawn if she would come for a hack with me this week, she agreed and also kindly agreed to pick Roxy and me up. I wanted to ride with Mum but I was scared I would let her down if I changed my mind.

I felt so anxious from the moment I went to bed last night, I hardly slept and I woke up feeling sick, that pit of stomach sick. I can’t tell you why I felt like this because I have no idea. The journey is full of things I completely do not understand. I guess it might be the fact that getting back on my horses would officially be me accepting I am no longer pregnant? feeling guilt for doing something I love when I should be mourning my baby boy? I don’t know any of the above.

I text Dawn when I got up saying how I felt, I was trying to maybe find a way out of it, I had tossed and turned from 5am, and hadn’t slept much, she reassured me that it was okay to feel how I am. I get up and ask Findley to give me strength and support me to get through today. When I realised that I did actually want to go and ride my horse, I decided I better go and find some clothes they actually fit me, I found myself a pair of jodhpurs and a top and got dressed. I took the dogs out for a walk before heading to mums to pick up Roxy’s tack and my hat.

I arrive at mums and can’t get my key to open her door, I could have cried, if I can’t get in then I can’t get any of my tack so I can’t ride, and it has taken me 7 weeks to get to the point where I even wanted to ride . I text Dawn I can’t believe this is happening, maybe it s a sign for Findley that I shouldn’t ride. I think I might have one more key back at my house so head to pick it up, when. I get back to mums. I realise it’s not only a key for the front door but I also have a key for the garage. I changed my mind and decided it must be meant to be. Findley was having a laugh with me because he knew I was going to be way to early to meet Dawn if then first key had worked.

I spent an hour with Roxy and Bailey before Dawn arrives, they both love a pamper and it’s been some time since I have given them both a good groom, and when I leave they both look less homeless. I forgot how much I love Roxy and bailey cuddles.

I am happy to see Dawn and Alfie and we load Roxy and head to the Forrest. I am not worried about getting back on Roxy, she’s 24 and she’s my first ever baby, I was there when she was born. She’s always been a horse you can get on after months and she would be fine. Once by bum hit the saddle all the memories of how much I enjoyed my horses came flooding back. It’s felt like a comforter. I could feel a little bit of my mind pulling me to a dark place where I wasn’t aloud to be happy. The place where my son has died, but I didn’t let it win.

I can’t even put into words how amazing it felt to be back on. I decided to FaceTime Mum as she’s didn’t know I had planned to ride, when she answers she puts me up to her ear, I tell her to look at her screen. She’s so delighted to see my view between my horses ears. I feel the tears in my eyes, but I don’t think they are sad tears, I think they are tears of acceptance, of allowance. I can see how happy Dawn is as well.

I am so grateful form my amazing friends. Without Dawn I don’t think I would have gotten back on the horses. Today wouldn’t have happened. I even got the biggest hug from Dawn after she drops us back home, anyone that knows Dawn knows she doesn’t do hugs. I can’t even think of how I can thank Dawn for what she didn’t for me today, and how important that today is on this journey. It feels like a massive mile stone.

I think that acceptance is the biggest thing for my just now, and”getting on” with life is accepting that I am no longer pregnant and I don’t have my baby boy to look after. Then there’s the guilt that comes with being happy when something so terrible has happened. I am sure I will have a really good cry still but at the moment I just still can’t believe what I have achieved.

I can imagine Findley being really proud of his mummy too, even if a tiny part of me thinks he will looking down on me wondering if I ever really truly loved him, since I am able to feel happiness again and “get on” with life. Thats the guilty part of my brain over ruling. This journey is so difficult, sometime I hate my brain.

Roxy on obviously enjoyed herself

2 thoughts on “Day 52 – I have no words

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  1. So so proud of you! This post made me tear up bc I remember doing things exactly like you just did after Nyla passed. It is normal to feel anxious and guilty over it–You are so BRAVE to have finally done it, the first step is always the hardest. I would hug you thru the computer if I could 🙂


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