Day 51 – that Sunday

Monday 3rd September

It’s amazing how our minds protect us, like the fact my mind doesn’t like to think about what’s missing from my day, the imagination of what is missing. I think that might be why often the focus is the future and having more family because then you can allow yourself to imagine a future with a child without the hurt of constantly reminding yourself that your baby is dead.

I keep running that last visit to Westburn Ward over and over in my head today. Not sure why, maybe trying to process it? I flash from lying there not hearing a heart beat, to lying in the scanning bed looking at the lifeless screen. I guess if I am being honest with myself, it’s flash backs, obviously trigger by something. I just don’t know what the trigger is, other than my dream.

I had a dream last night that doctor were trying to save Findley and operating on him, then I remember that he was dead before he was born so there was no way they would ever be able to save him. I don’t know if it’s my subconscious starting to accept what happened? It’s 7 weeks in you would think it would be less intense.

I can’t remember the last time I had a decent sleep, maybe the night I got home from the hospital after Findley has been born?

I keep thinking I should start to sort stuff out, I have made no attempt what so ever to remove any evidence that I was ever pregnant, in the drawer in my sun room still it’s all my midwife stuff, my sample pots, my ready steady baby, all the number for maternity hospital. I guess I should think about sorting it all out, but I don’t want to yet. I guess I want to need them all again soon, I guess I probably feel like by packing it all up I am giving up on my dreams. I refuse to give up on my dreams.

Today I realised that there is no way of going back now, when I mean back I mean back to anything that wasn’t good in my life before Findley, that’s how life is split up now. I hated my work before I went on maternity leave, I was actually off with work related stress for 6 weeks before I went on maternity leave, I loved my job and I though I was good at it, but the politics i just couldn’t handle. People would say to me it was because I was pregnant and hormones, but now am not pregnant and I know myself that I don’t think I will ever be strong enough to return to that nightmare. I never really even got on with my colleagues so I know there isn’t even much of a support network for me. I wasn’t protected from it when I was pregnant so I don’t think I will be now. I know I have to go back, I have to go back because I have chosen to take my maternity leave so I have to go back for a minimum amount of time or else I have to pay it back, however in my heart I think that might be all I return for. This might change I have another 10 months off still, but I remember still being in hospital findley was born and saying, I can’t go back to work. This is sad because I love my work family, these are the people I work along side for my job the other teams. The people who treat me like a human. Life is to short to be unhappy. I don’t even know if nursing is for me any more.

This is my last evening alone tonight, well for a few days anyway, James is home tomorrow, I can’t wait to see him, feel his arms around me again, feel safe. I have survived him being away, and actually probably coped rather than survived but only with the support of all my friends and family.

Life after Findley is so hard, but I know that it’s going to be amazing, it’s just going to take time.