Day 50 – how did that happened

Sunday 2nd September

Wow how did we get to day 50, 7 weeks today that We found out findley had died.

I weighted myself yesterday, I said I wouldn’t do it till at least 6 week. I am proud to say I weight the same as I did at my 13 weeks scan. I put on two stone quickly once I fell pregnant. So only two stone to loss will get me back to my booking weight. So no 9 month on 9 month off for me. I recon I can shift the two stone in a reasonable time. However I don’t want to go mad, their is a balance. My life has to be balanced.

I keep feeling guilty every time when I have a nice moment. It’s like I think I shouldn’t be aloud nice moments I should be grieving my son, no forgetting about him or letting him go! I am so glad of having Jodie to speak to, she really helps keep me stay grounded. She wright with What she says Findley wouldn’t want me to be feeling guilty and sad all the time. He wouldn’t want me to waste my time he has given me. It still feels very strange to have moment where my mind isn’t filled with pregnancy or baby thoughts. I guess that’s because that was how my life has been for the past year. Even before I was pregnant I still dreamt of being pregnant.

I went for a nice walk with Steph and the dogs this morning. I was really grateful to get a text today asking if I fancied a walk. I don’t think I would have gotten out of bed if she hadn’t. I need to seriously sort this getting out of bed stuff out. I know it will come with time. I have to remember to be kind to myself, and think of all the things o have achieved.

I didn’t have much alone time today which is good, some days I like to be alone, some days I like to be around people, as time goes on I like being around people more than being alone, but it has to have purpose. I also do need time each day just to reflect on things. Today Aileen, Rhoda and Gavin came round for a game of monopoly and dinner. It was so much fun, I love monopoly, James won’t play it with me because I always win. Gavin beat me last time we played so I was keen to win today. I truly belly laughter when I bankrupted him, I feel guilty even writing that I enjoyed myself, laughter and actually forgot my pain.

I will admit that I think things are starting to get better but I have to, have to speak about Findley every single day. I don’t like not making him part of my day. I don’t know if this will also change over time, but I will happily speak about him every day for the rest of my life.

I also wonder if the fact I known James will be home in a few days has made me feel stronger and happier.

My therapist said to me that James going away was like someone hitting the bottom of a ketchup bottle. It forced me to face things sooner than I would have liked to, but it’s been 8 days since he left and I have survived. It also explains why I had such a hard time on the Tuesday after he left, because I was just surviving until I couldn’t survive any more.

I definitely have good and bad parts to my day. Last night I didn’t cry till I went to bed. Once I went to bed I realised that when my family had been round for dinner, we hadn’t really spoken about Findley and I really wanted to, but didn’t for fear of upsetting people, so I didn’t. That’s my fault and I should have spoken about him. It made me sad he was the centre of everyone else thoughts though.

I love you Findley xxx