Friday 6th September
I still find myself floating from past to present. I just so want to be a mother. I know I am a Mum, Findley gave me the honour of being a mummy, but I never got to be a mother to him. I understand why people steal babies now, I won’t be stealing any babies but it makes sense, that mind set, the need to be a mother, to mother a baby’s. This isn’t so strong now, I had such a desperate need to be a mother and fill my empty arms. I still am, but it’s not so strong. I spent a lot of time googling, pregnancies after still births and Irish twins. I have stopped that now. It’s all part of the grieving. However I do just dream about it, and then thought excites me, the future excites me.
As I walked the dog with James this morning I though of Findley and how I wish I could show him all the beauty that nature holds. I know he is part of me, and I know he knows I love him very much. When I saw these mushrooms today, I hoped he can see the brightness that this world holds for him.
I know I have said before all these saying that people say really do come from somewhere. I just never realised how much before all this happened. It’s always darkest before the dawn. That Tuesday last week when James was away. I cried more that day than I had for weeks, I felt like I wouldn’t be here without James, that I would never survive it. It was the darkest day I have ever had in my life, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I couldn’t see how I would ever find myself again, and I love my baby boy and he was gone. All I wanted was to have life how I had wanted it.
However since that day, each day seem to get a bit brighter, each day hurt a little less, and each day I start to make sense of who I am now, and why Findley was sent to me, even if it was only for a short space of time.
There is one thing that still hangs over me, I have written it in here several time but I deleted it as I was scared I would be judged or that people who have an opinion, or what, that I might upset the person that it’s around, but this blog has always been honest and form the heart, I have shared my darkest and most painful moments.
I don’t know of anyone has notice the lack of mention of the support of my dad in this blog? I always called myself a daddies girl growing up, my dad was a good dad – most of the time. He was very good to us, and always seemed to be proud of us. The start of the break down in our relationship was when my dad met his current partner. My dad has always put himself first since this point. Even on my wedding day, he dictated how he was involved in my day, I allowed this because I didn’t want to cut my nose or to spit my face. I really regret it now.
My dad seemed really chuffed when I told him I was pregnant, I told him back in January, I felt I couldn’t tell any other friends until I had told him, I felt this was respect. He had been really distant before hand, no Christmas cards or merry Christmas wishes. No happy new year. No Thank you for his present. Then my birthday past in January with no birth wishes and it me upset me. I told him this and that seem to completely break down our communication I never heard from him again, he never checked in on me to see if I was okay, how my pregnancy was going, nothing. I was really hurt by this I was his only daughter and the only one in our family still speak to him.
So when we found out Findley’s heart had stopped beating for this world, I didn’t want anyone to contact my Dad to tell him. I was hurt so deeply that he hadn’t bothered with me my whole pregnancy why does he get to grieve with us now. My brother on the other hand though I would regret this, and bless him I probably would have. So he decided to contact my Dad, now I look back I am so grateful her did. It took a lot for him to do this, my dad and him fell out some time ago. They had, had no direct contact for over a year. However my dad refused to meet my brother to hear what had happened to me, he didn’t answer his phone to him either. He wanted my brother to text him, which was totally inappropriate. His partner tried to contact my mother in law, but neither of them once contact me. The universe put my dad in a few situation where one of my family could have told him had happened, but he didn’t allow this to happen.
So no one told my dad, he didn’t know his grandson had died, he didn’t know my heart had been broken into a million pieces, and didn’t get to meet or celebrate his grandson. (To be fair he wasn’t going to come to my wedding so I don’t know why I think he would have come to my sons funeral). So I sit here wondering if he knows yet. I did text my dad a very angry message telling him to stay away for me and my family, but I never told him why. However even if you daughter had text you this would you not still reach out to her in this time of hurt?
There is no other love like that for your child, I can say this because I am a Mum and I have a son. So I ask myself why my dad doesn’t care enough to contact me even attempt it, even a card through the door, nothing. So I sit wondering does he know and care so little for me, or does he still sit in his White Castle upon the hill, in ignorant bliss not knowing?
I hope by writing this down here, it out it out of my head and helps me start to process this. I don’t want to be bitter or waste any more energy and time in someone who obviously has so little regard for me or my family. Because let face it even if he doesn’t know Findley has died, he knew my due date, and hasn’t even enquired about his birth either.