Saturday 8th September
I woke myself up crying last night, this is a first for me. I was obviously dreaming, I remember shouting it’s too soon, it’s too soon in my dream. Maybe I am feeling like I am doing things too soon… I have no idea but it was horrible, then I struggled to get back to sleep for fear of it happening again.
I obviously woke James up to with my crying I was glad he was there to put his arm round me, and keep me safe. I now wonder if today will be a bad day. It’s been some time since I had a proper bad day, over a week that’s for sure, and that a good things, I can face the fact that bit every day will be a good one.
Today I decided to let James walk the pups himself, I know he likes to listen to his music and have some time alone, so do I, so I get going with the house work, may as well work some calories off, I want to go out of my bike, but my friend is meant to be visiting today. However I haven’t heard from her. This isn’t unusual is very much a person that lives for the moment .
I decided to head to the horses on my bike, it’s all off road and fab nice bike run. It gave me time to be with nature, I find it peaceful. I believe Findley is part of nature, no his spirit his spirit is with my granny but I feel him outside. It’s so peaceful, I stop on the way back just let myself be.
once I get home my friend has arrived to visit. We get a good chat I haven’t seen her since the week after Findley died it’s so long ago. We try and make plans for next week, I love her to bits but she does just go to the beat of her own drum so we will see.
Tonight we went out for dinner for my brother birthday . It’s the first time I have put makeup on since Findley’s celebration, it was nice to go out with everyone and I felt reasonably confident. The first thing I did when I got to the restaurant was scan to see if I knew Anyone, am glad when I don’t. I started to struggle by the time we left, I struggle with accepting normality, because I don’t want it, I want to live in a world where my baby boy is still with us. I know it’s impossible but it doesn’t stop me wanting. I am sad that Findley isn’t here with us too. He should be part of all these moments too.
My friend text me tonight I haven’t heard from him for a while, but he’s the type of person who is always there when you need Him. I never even told him about Findley dying he just knew. He text me tonight just because he wanted to write Findley’s name, it makes me so happy to read his text. He’s so thoughtful! I miss him so much.
I have made some amazing contact on the sands forum, one of which I speak to daily and she is such a support to me. My friends and family are amazing, but it’s nice to have someone I can chat to who is in on the same journey as me, who understands the waves and the “silly” feelings, which aren’t really silly at all. I feel like I have a life line being able to chat to them.
I have discovered so much about myself in the past few weeks, and I have so much more respect for me, who I am and the person I am becoming on this journey. I have also discovered how important friendship is. It’s sad that we haven’t had the same visitors we would have had if Findley has lived, but it hasn’t half made me realised who my friend really are in this world. I am very blessed to have so many amazing supportive people in my life.
Sadly, when you lose a child you find out who your true friends are. But sometimes you make new friends that are so much better than your old ones. Glad you were able to get out and enjoy yourself!