Sunday 8th September
Today I got back on the ginger one, he has been standing at the gate asking me to take him out for 9 months. The last time I rode him was Christmas Day 2017. I couldn’t ride him after this my pelvis just wouldn’t let me.
I achieved so much with this monkey in 2017, I did the wobbleberry challenge and completed a British Eventing Horse Trials 80. Along this journey I made some amazing friends and learnt so much about both Bailey and me. I seem to have lots of nerve and fear around what could go wrong, I used to probably worry to much, but now, I mean what’s the worst that can happen? Death doesn’t scare me anymore, I feel like I have stared hell in the face and survived.
I look at this photo and see the happiness in my eyes, I forgot how much unconditional love this little monkey gives to me. I remember not long ago looking at a photo of me, and wondering if I would ever see me again, if I would ever see my smile again. That happiness before my heart was ripped out, today I think I saw it again. I have literally suffered what I can only think is the worst tragedy ever and survived.
The day before Findley died was actually the first day I had really missed riding. My friends had sent me photo of the cover from Forgandenny program and there was my boo an me on the cover ❤️. I had said to James I can’t wait to get back on. I think it reminded me that I had a life before I was pregnant and I did enjoy my riding
Today I realise that I have really been going around this journey in the wrong way. Becoming a Mum is life changing, it’s like being in on the waltzers, your world spins out of control, nothing is really how is was, or how you wanted it to be, I feel I can say this even if my baby isn’t here, I have travelled a different road than my friend who have their babies in their arms, but I am still a Mum and am riding the waltzers with them, I am just in a different cart. My life has changed for ever. I have decided that I need to grab this time I have been given with both hands and fill it with the things that make me smile. I am going to enjoy my horse, my running and my cycling before I am pregnant again and have to give it up. I am going to have that Gin, that glass of Prosecco and that patè, before they are of the menu again. I don’t want to say Findley has given me this time, as I would much rather he was here with me, however I can’t change that he’s not. However this has given me some extra “me” time. Time to be selfish and enjoy life, put myself first. Because before I know it this time will be gone!! Than old saying, live, love and laugh!! It might be years it might be months, I am a grate believer that what’s for you won’t pass you by.
Kerrie was out today to help Mum and me with horses, and just generally hang out. It was so nice to have a chat with her, she is proper grounding, she has had a lot to deal with in the past few years, but she has just a positive ora about her, I love how she just treats me like she always has. She also always makes me laugh! I mean belly laugh. We haven’t known each other long just over a year, but it feels like we have known each other all our lives.
On the way back from the horse I saw Katie walking with Seamus and Tally, I instantly stopped the car and got out and gave Katie and Seamus a big hug. I was so happy to see them, not for one minute did it upset me or make me feel like anything was missing. Seamus is getting big, and as I look down at him in his carrier, I think how wonderful he is, and I think of Findley but it’s not a sad thought, I just think how lucky we all are. As Kerrie, Katie and I stood and chatted I realised, just how lucky I am, to have such amazing friends. Two people I have known for a short spell of time, but feel so comfortable around. Actually don’t every want to be without in my life.
I keep saying to Katie that I don’t want me losing Findley to be the end of our friendship, I want to be part of her life, I want to keep spending time with her and Seamus. It’s not how it was meant to be, our little boys should have grown up together, should have had all their firsts together. I image them at 16 up to no good, I imagine them at 5 going to school together. She keeps telling me not to worry, this is just the start of our journey not the end. There is so much more happiness to come! These are the kind of people that everyone should surround themselves with.
I still feel guilty for being happy, but no as guilty as I have been. I still cry every day, but it’s not the same as the early days now, I can cry and then smile. I can cry and then carry on, it’s not all consuming. I wonder now if I have found the map to the path around the wall. Now I just need to navigate it safely.