Monday 10th September
So I try my hardest to protect myself from things that might upset me. The problem is sometimes you can’t protect yourself. On Friday I broke my tooth, so now today I have to go to the dentist, an I just know they are going to ask me that question when I get there. As to if I have any exemption or benefits. I am already upset driving up, I have a chat with Findley and remind myself that I must look after myself, but not just for Findley but for my next baby too.
I walk in the dental surgery and they ask me the question I have been dreading, which annoys me slightly, because I have been to the dentist in the past 5 months when I was very heavily pregnant. So they know, well surely it’s in my file. Either way I can’t help but be hit by a massive wave, it absolutely take me out by the feet, I can’t actually respond to the receptionist, I try really hard to take my time to breath and say I had a baby recently, but I can’t get the words out, she looks up from her computer, wondering why I haven’t responded to her simply questions and I just start to cry. I apologise, not for crying but for making them feel uncomfortable. I could see they didn’t know what to do. I eventually manage to say, I think I am still entitle to my free dental care I had a baby recently. I say this in between the tears. I sign the iPad and sit down. The waiting room is full, but I don’t care am sitting crying, it’s not howling or anything it’s just silent tears. Once I am above the wave again, I manage to look round the room, and see there is, thank god, know one there I know. It doesn’t take long to be back to the new “normal” again. The waves definitely don’t have such a long lasting effect now either. I guess that I just have to accept that another first competed.
As I have written before I am a really Spiritual person, and have take a lot of comfort from this during the loss of Findley. Mum got me some Angel cards, I had only just recently heard about them from the girls on the SAND Forum. Was super chuffed when Mum said she had gotten me some. I am loving them and they are really nice and positives. Might sound silly to some people but the cards that I receive are always very relevant. I regularly receive the “there is nothing to worry about” card, and of course I worry about lots of stuff now a days, I am normally asking a question that worry’s me to. I know I used to worry before Findley about things, I think now I worry less about silly pointless things, and worry more about the life change events that have taken place.
Today has been a strange day, it started with some weird dreams, but no fear of getting up, as the day has gone on its been a bit up and down. I find it extremely amazing how much animals know when you need them. I said to James today, Rosie just know when I need her, and she spend that day near me, and cuddling into me.
I am starting to get the hang of some of my triggers, most of them are linked to being pregnant, they are a reminder that I was pregnant, and that I was happy to be pregnant. Like listening to Ed Sheeran remind me of my trip with Zandra to Glasgow for a amazing night seeing him live, Findley partied all night afterwords, and I remember putting Zandra’s hand on my bump so she could feel him partying, I was around 32 weeks pregnant. I haven’t forgotten about Findley , but I can easily forget that I was ever pregnant. It’s obviously a way of my subconscious trying to protect me. I don’t need the constant reminder that I grew my baby boy and I had this amazing relationship with him, we chatted daily, he danced and grew. To me he Existed, and always will. I guess it’s just very painful knowing he was real, and yet he is not here. Also the fact that I Findley and I had created lots of plans and dreams that will never come true. I think this is also the reason why I need to speak about him everyday.