Day 58 – Angel Cards

Monday 10th September

So I try my hardest to protect myself from things that might upset me. The problem is sometimes you can’t protect yourself. On Friday I broke my tooth, so now today I have to go to the dentist, an I just know they are going to ask me that question when I get there. As to if I have any exemption or benefits. I am already upset driving up, I have a chat with Findley and remind myself that I must look after myself, but not just for Findley but for my next baby too.

I walk in the dental surgery and they ask me the question I have been dreading, which annoys me slightly, because I have been to the dentist in the past 5 months when I was very heavily pregnant. So they know, well surely it’s in my file. Either way I can’t help but be hit by a massive wave, it absolutely take me out by the feet, I can’t actually respond to the receptionist, I try really hard to take my time to breath and say I had a baby recently, but I can’t get the words out, she looks up from her computer, wondering why I haven’t responded to her simply questions and I just start to cry. I apologise, not for crying but for making them feel uncomfortable. I could see they didn’t know what to do. I eventually manage to say, I think I am still entitle to my free dental care I had a baby recently. I say this in between the tears. I sign the iPad and sit down. The waiting room is full, but I don’t care am sitting crying, it’s not howling or anything it’s just silent tears. Once I am above the wave again, I manage to look round the room, and see there is, thank god, know one there I know. It doesn’t take long to be back to the new “normal” again. The waves definitely don’t have such a long lasting effect now either. I guess that I just have to accept that another first competed.

As I have written before I am a really Spiritual person, and have take a lot of comfort from this during the loss of Findley. Mum got me some Angel cards, I had only just recently heard about them from the girls on the SAND Forum. Was super chuffed when Mum said she had gotten me some. I am loving them and they are really nice and positives. Might sound silly to some people but the cards that I receive are always very relevant. I regularly receive the “there is nothing to worry about” card, and of course I worry about lots of stuff now a days, I am normally asking a question that worry’s me to. I know I used to worry before Findley about things, I think now I worry less about silly pointless things, and worry more about the life change events that have taken place.

Today has been a strange day, it started with some weird dreams, but no fear of getting up, as the day has gone on its been a bit up and down. I find it extremely amazing how much animals know when you need them. I said to James today, Rosie just know when I need her, and she spend that day near me, and cuddling into me.

I am starting to get the hang of some of my triggers, most of them are linked to being pregnant, they are a reminder that I was pregnant, and that I was happy to be pregnant. Like listening to Ed Sheeran remind me of my trip with Zandra to Glasgow for a amazing night seeing him live, Findley partied all night afterwords, and I remember putting Zandra’s hand on my bump so she could feel him partying, I was around 32 weeks pregnant. I haven’t forgotten about Findley , but I can easily forget that I was ever pregnant. It’s obviously a way of my subconscious trying to protect me. I don’t need the constant reminder that I grew my baby boy and I had this amazing relationship with him, we chatted daily, he danced and grew. To me he Existed, and always will. I guess it’s just very painful knowing he was real, and yet he is not here. Also the fact that I Findley and I had created lots of plans and dreams that will never come true. I think this is also the reason why I need to speak about him everyday.

One thought on “Day 58 – Angel Cards

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  1. One of my trigger after losing Nyla was my flat belly. I was a little on the heavier side before I was pregnancy, but losing Nyla made me also lose 20 lbs. I felt so good and attractive, but I would always look down at the flat belly and think “I should still be pregnant” or “I should be complaining about that extra pooch”. Its the weirdest things that trigger you.

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