Day 59 – 8weeks old

Tuesday 11th September

I thinking back to 8 weeks ago when I counted the time passing as hours, I just needed to get past the hours then I could meet my baby boy. It feels like a very dark time looking back, I feel like I am covered in a dark cloud. I then think to today, and I realised I now count the time by weeks, some times I break the weeks up into days. I try and plan my weeks in advance, what I have on this week and What to I can do to fill. Although I am reasonably happy in my own company now a days, and really enjoy time just to myself. Sitting thinking or day dreaming, day dreaming is probably my favourite thing to do.

Findley would be 8 weeks old, to be precise at 10pm it will be 8weeks since he entered this world. Not screaming and crying, but silent. The silence doesn’t haunt me, I don’t know any difference, I think it must haunt those that no better though. I look forward to the day where I hear that scream of a new born baby.

I had my acupuncture today, I can’t decided if it helps or not but I enjoy it, if it’s okay to enjoy someone sticking needles into you. I had an instant realise of tension when she placed the needle into my head. It was like someone just lifted a weight off me. I have decided to keep going for a few week, am hoping it helps with my sleep tonight and my anxiety/stress levels.

I had to get my thyroid bloods done today, I have been putting it off, I was meant to get them done between 6-8weeks after Findley’s brith but I have been totally putting it off. Mainly because I know that it’s going to be difficult because Insch is such a small place that everyone knows what happened to us, and they care and are sad for us. So I know that the nurse is going to say she’s sorry and ask how I am.

Even though I know this when she does ask me I can’t speak it takes all my strength to hold myself together. Not because I don’t want to cry, I think crying over my baby boy is perfectly fine, but because I don’t want people to be scared to ask me because I get upset, I want people to feel okay about asking me about Findley so I can speak about him. However once I have had time to compose myself, I then manage to speak about Findley and what happened, and I know the nurse is taking time to speak to me about him. I don’t apologise for getting upset, I just explain that it’s all just still for fresh and I am not used to people asking. However I explain that I do want people to ask and speak about Findley. It felt slightly strange saying his name to someone that I don’t really know all that well, but nice. It’s funny how when Findley was first born I just wanted to call him peanut because that’s what he had been know as for 7 months, however now Findley just rolls of the tongue. I know over time it’s going to be easier to speak about Findley.

I posted a picture of an angel yesterday I had seen at our local garden centre, it’s says on it. – sometimes the smallest things can take up the most space in your heart, and it was blue. I didn’t buy it but went back today with James for lunch and of course he bought it for me. It’s beautiful and sits right between Findley’s photos in our sun room. I know how luck I am to have my own little guardian angel in Findley. He is guiding me through this journey, he keeps asking me questions that really do me look at who I am and where I am going. What an amazing little boy he is.

I have often heard people speak of, and mention soul sisters. Not really knowing what it mean. I looked it up

Soulsisters

Two or more females who click on every level imaginable; who can talk about EVERYTHING from gorgeous foreign boys (or lack there of) to existentialism. Who reminisce, learn, dance, sing, complain, celebrate, play and dream together. Who will forever believe that they were born together and somehow separated at birth only to be brought together by fate at a later date in their lives. Where small talk doesn’t exist and it’s all about BIG talk. Soulsisters are forever yin and yang. From the very first breath to the very last.

I feel I have definitely met a soulsister in this journey, another loss mummy, another warrior, who I had never met or spoken to before now. Who I can now speak to about anything and everything, and as we get know each other are almost the same person. It’s a fantastic support. It also made me realise that a lot of my friend I surround myself with are my Soulsisters, the people that I don’t have to make small talk with, that conversation come naturally. How lucky am I to have these people.

life if defiantly easier with these people in it!!