Day 61 – hello baby boy

Thursday 13th September

Hello my darling Findley,

I sat at your memorial this afternoon, did you see me there? I am never sure if you are there, as I am unsure who would have guided you to know where we all go to speak to you.

I don’t feel I need to be there to be near you, but it’s nice to have somewhere that’s just for you. I feel I can just sit there and speak to you. Your plants are looking beautiful. You nan has been looking after them and even planted another pot for you. Although me and daddy really need to get your stone sorted so people know that it’s your spot.

As I sat chatting I could hear the tractors working in the field next door, baling the straw. You daddy loves to watch them work, I think he would love to be a farmer. He would have made sure you knew all about the different kind of tractors and machines. He would have taught you how to drive a tractor too, I can just picture you on his knee in a tractor. He used to help your grandad James lots up at the farm. I know he would have gone out of his way to make sure you knew all about the harvest.

It makes me sad some times thinking about how much your daddy would have taught you. I sometime can see you out in the garden with him kicking a football around. I know he would have taught you how to be an amazing football player, along with your uncle Errol, those two would have been at every one of your football matches. Your uncles is also a very good football player, I think you got his long legs. Although mummy has long legs she’s just still very short.

I hope you can see that mummy and daddy are starting to be able to live again. I felt very guilty when I felt happy, but then I realised how much you are there helping me to be happy, and I have to stop fighting it. I hope you are proud of me, and what I have achieved recently. I always feel you are part of me. I know you are with Great Granny and she is looking after you. She will tell you all about what mummy was like when she was little. I can see as you grow up she will be busy baking for you. One day I will join you but it not my time yet. Until then you behave for Granny and listen to her, she’s very wise, I was very lucky to have her in my life, as I was to have you. She always tells me she couldn’t wait to see me as a mummy with my children.

I still wish very much you were here with me. I had so many dreams of how it would have been. I don’t think it would have been easy but we would have gotten there together.

I hope you have also found the other angel babies to play with. I hope you meet little Lauchlan, his mummy Elaine is very special and lovely lady.

As the nights draw in, and autumn start to creep in, I see the changing colour of the trees, I wonder if you can see how beautiful it is. This is your daddy’s favourite time of year.

Thank you so much for all the strength you have given me so far in this journey, and know I love you with all my heart, and always will. Please continue to guide me and give me strength. I know I will never be who I was, but I will be a better version.

Love you to the moon and back little boy. Always know there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think about you, about what should have and would have been. Your the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing in my mind at night.

Stay safe and be you,

Love mummy xxx