Saturday 4th August  I am a Mum, I have a son, he might not be next to me but I am a Mum!! People keep saying by kind to myself.. no one has ever used these words to me before. What does it mean? I spend a lot of today colouring in, I am trying... Continue Reading →

Friday 3rd August I wake up and i do not want to get out of bed today.  I am meant to be meeting Louise my yoga instructor, James has left early and gone for an appointment in Inveurie.  I lay in my bed and cry into my pillow.  i had to take some diazapam to... Continue Reading →

Thursday 2nd August  Nightmares, this is as a result of the grief and trauma that my brain is processing.  I wake up early, I am dreaming that I can no longer have more children.  I know I am just pulling the current fears into the future. This is the first day I have really thought... Continue Reading →

Wednesday 1st August  I have a reason to get up this morning, I am meeting Claire for brunch, this is a big step, I keep speaking to everyone about first.  This experience really is like someone has hit rest on our life, and we have to start all over again. This will be the first... Continue Reading →

Tuesday 31st July  Its two week today since Finley was born, I cant believe how fast time has gone.  I don't get out of bed till later, I struggle to find motivation to get up. James and I take the dogs for a walk, I am trying to get keep active, I still remind myself... Continue Reading →

Monday 30th July Happy due date Katie, Katie and I had a habit of texting each other happy week 35 etc. Today was her due date, I really though her baby would have been born over the weekend, I don’t know why. She replied to my message saying she was still cooking away. I worry deeply for... Continue Reading →

Sunday 29th July Well this is getting a habit I don’t want to get up again today! I am running over our 37 weeks scan, Peanut hadn’t grown much in nearly 3 weeks. The midwife scanning me said sometimes there better out than in if they aren’t growing, and sent me to see the consultant, who I... Continue Reading →

Saturday 28th July                   I do not want to get out of bed this morning. Happy ground hog day!! I don’t want to stay in bed because I want to hide from everyone, and pull the covers over me. It’s because today is just going to be the same as the past week. I have no purpose in... Continue Reading →

Friday 27th July 2018 I am woken early by thunder and lightning, James is still asleep and so are the dogs, how am I the only one this has woken. It’s loud but it’s not right over head. I drift in and out of sleep as the thunder rattles. I keep thinking it Findley making the thunder. He’s... Continue Reading →

Thursday 26th July  Life - you’re going to be happy, but first I must make you strong. Was Findley sent here to make me strong? I woke up after a night of dreams of what ifs. It’s just torture and totally pointless I know this because I know that nothing will change what happened. Today am going... Continue Reading →