Day 19 – Was it me?

Thursday 2nd August 

Nightmares, this is as a result of the grief and trauma that my brain is processing.  I wake up early, I am dreaming that I can no longer have more children.  I know I am just pulling the current fears into the future.

This is the first day I have really thought about the test results from Findley’s investigation, what happens if something comes back from them, and its my fault that Findley died.  I think I had ignored this possibility because I carried him to term.  Other than him being a big baby we had a good pregnancy.  This is when google is not a good thing, as I start to wonder if other peoples stories I have read are going to be my story too.  I had a UTI just around 34 weeks and was treated with antibiotics, could the bug gotten into my placenta?  Did something i do kill him, was it something I ate? Was it my body, was it not capable of keeping my baby alive?  I have a wee cry, with James.  I do worry I am trying to be too strong with it all.

We take the dogs out for a walk, we head to the Bin as we have plenty of time, we chat away, our main focus is the future, mainly because thats where we see happiness, I am desperate to get to winter, I don’t know why, maybe because winter is when I found out we were expecting peanut, and it was a supper happy time, verses summer is full of pain.

We head back from Huntly, and I am heading to see Katie, I say i will pick up some lunch and head round.  I spend a bit of time with Katie, I do really struggle watching her with her bump, I feel like I have already forgotten what it feels like when your baby kicks and moves inside.  I also still worry about her, I just want her to have her baby and take them home safely.  I like that I can speak openly with Katie, during my time there she is having contractions.  it wont be long till her little baby is here.

Claire is visiting today, I haven’t seen her since Findley’s celebration.  We chat for what feel like ages, I tell her all about whats been happening, I chat about Findley, and the future.  saying things out loud maybe just makes it all real.  Once Claire has left I feel so deflated.

Life is like a roller coaster, and the tears just take me by surprise again.  I guess you can’t be strong every day.  I still struggle with my lack of want to do anything, what is my future, can I please see a crystal ball, will we be happy?