Day 20 – My heart breaks for me…

Friday 3rd August

I wake up and i do not want to get out of bed today.  I am meant to be meeting Louise my yoga instructor, James has left early and gone for an appointment in Inveurie.  I lay in my bed and cry into my pillow.  i had to take some diazapam to get to sleep last night.  I am so tired.  my sleep is broken with nightmares, and then remembering what has happened.

Louise text me to meet her in Inveurie, my anxiety levels hit the roof, I cant meet her someone where I don’t know, what if I get lost, or I cant find her, then I have to wonder around for ages.  No I cant do this.  I roll over in bed and think I could just take some more diazapam and sleep for a few more hours.

I give myself a shake, come on Jan get out of bed, you wee boy would not want to see you like this.  I know James left early and the dogs need walked.  I will take them out, here is a first again, me taking the dogs out myself.

I shower get dressed and head out, I am lucky not to meet anyone until I am heading up the side of the field, I have my sun glasses on so I can hide behind them, I can feel a panic in my stomach as i wonder if the person walking towards me actually knowns me? I take a deep breath and relax, I have no idea who this person is.  I carry on walking.  Louise has text and has offered to come out to Insch, I think about it and agree, it will be really nice to see her.

As I head into the woods with the dogs, i see two toddlers, and two mum, one of which is heavily pregnant, I cant make eye contact with any of them, I cant even speak to them.  I out Robbie on his lead as he tend to jump up on people.  They stop on the bridge, please move, please move, i keep telling myself, I don’t want to have to walk past you.  I pass them and I make a noise as if to say hi, but I know am just doing my best to hold the tears back.  I feel the tears roll down my face as I walk away.  I take my phone out, there is a text from Katie, she has news for me.  I know what the news is her baby has arrived.  As she text me back confirming my thoughts, I burst into uncontrollable sobs.  Its not because I am sad that her baby is here, its because she has had a wee boy, and i know that our little boys should have been growing up together, best of friends.  Instead my boys ashes sit in my house, and her boy is in her arms.  I cry for me, not for Findley but for me, for what has been stolen from me.

I look around me to make sure no one can see or hear my crying, its the tears that come from the heart, the kind that come with all the rest of the bodily fluids too.  my heart is breaking all over again.  I pull myself together as I see someone walking towards me.

As soon as I get home, I sob, I scream at the mirror in the bathroom, why me, why did you take my little boy, why me, I slide down onto the sofa, I need to pull myself together before James gets home, this is the first time he has left me, like he needs to come home to me crying like this.  I can’t I just keep slipping back into the tears.  That horrible reality that my baby boy was taken from me, I will never ever get to hold him, I will never ever get to feed him, or know what it feels like to make mistake and struggle as a mum.

I am barley holding it together when James gets home, I tell him about Katie, and he hugs me, he says is worse because its a wee boy too.

Louise arrives not long after, she has some gifts from me, and she says she doesn’t want to upset me, I tell her I am not having a good day today, and not to worry about it.  She has some beautiful flowers, and vouchers for me, i cant believe how generous everyone is.  She also has a necklace, which just makes me cry again, its such a beautiful sentiment, it has an angels wing, a blue stone, and a heart, on the heart is Findley’s name and his date of birth and weight.  I am so glad that Louise has come to visit I have a nice time speaking to her, telling her about Findley our journey, what went wrong, and all about how amazing he was and perfect.

Not long after Louise leaves my friend Sammy arrives, its nice to see her, she too has brought some heart felt gifts, one of which is three building blocks with Findley’s names, date of birth and weight on them.  Its nice to catch up with Sammy, I speak to her about wanting more family, shes so glad, she was worried that this tragedy would stop me from wanting to try again.  Sammy has been my agony aunt ever since James and I started trying for a baby.

I struggle a little as Sammy moans about how much hard work her little two are, i know its because of her circumstances, her partner works away and she spend all her time being a mummy, she needs some Sammy time.  I would totally kill to have a dirty nappy to change, or vomit to clean up.

Its been an emotional day, and I feel like my heart has broken again, I find myself removing my brain from conversations and hiding in my bubble.  I spend the rest of the evening colouring in to keep me in the here and now.

The best thing about the busyness of the day, is that I had no time to google, so feel like i have won.

 

 

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