Day 21 – How can one wee boy who never took a breath on this earth effect so many people..

Saturday 4th August 

I am a Mum, I have a son, he might not be next to me but I am a Mum!!

People keep saying by kind to myself.. no one has ever used these words to me before. What does it mean?

I spend a lot of today colouring in, I am trying to be in the here and now. It helps, stops me from googling anyway. I colour in one page that’s says “start where you are”. Is this a message from Findley? Start where I am. I have no idea where I am.

I go for a walk with Kerri today and the dogs, James is going to the football with Paul, am glad he is getting out. Zandra is coming to “watch”‘ later too. It was the only way i could get him to agree to go out. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

I enjoy the walk, we chat about findley about how things are, about the future and the present. I really am struggling to figure out what I am meant to be doing with all this time. findley gave me this time but what for? I wonder what the future holds, I hold it’s happiness. For the first time I want to have a drink, I text Zandra to check in and let her know I will be home soon. I say I really want a drink, she says she will take gin with her.

After my walk with Kerri I feel so much lighter, like a weight has been lifted. I am so much better when I am busy, the sitting around stuff doesn’t work for me. My mind is to active, I worry to much, I want my dreams to come true. Kerri has been through a lot too and I realise the everyone has grief, loss and trauma I their life’s.

Once I get home Zandra pops round with some Gin and cupcakes, I can believe I am doing this, I haven’t drank since November 2017. I didn’t want to drink I don’t really want to do anything I wasn’t aloud to do when I was pregnant. If so silly because even if Findley hasn’t died I still wouldn’t pregnant at this stage. I love chatting with Zandra I still worry how much she ha sheen affected by that night she came with me to the hospital. It sounds terrible but am still glad it was her that was with me. James probably has deep regret about not being there, but we speared him that pain. He will never worry about not hearing a heart beat, or not seeing a baby move in a scan screen. For that I will forever owe Zandra.

I enjoyed my gin, james arrives home and we chat away, he has a gin too and we toast Findley. I feel I have the same Conversation over and over again with different people. However I remember that Pamala said to me never be worried about boring people with your story, keep speaking about Findley as much as you want to.

I love my little boy so much.. he made me a mummy I feel so lucky. I just wish he was here. I have accepted he died, I just haven’t accepted I can’t hold him any more.

James cooks me dinner, he’s making such an effort to cook nice fresh meals as he know am more likely to eat it.

I love my husband so much, how was I eve lucky enough to find him? I worry where I would be without him.

After spending the day with two good friend I realise how much of an affect Findley has on other people’s lives, and am sure as time goes in people will continue to share how his short time on this earth changed them for the better. I love hearing how he has changed their views and plans. Findley was here for a reason, I still don’t know why for me, but I am understanding it wasn’t just for me.