Day 22 – My Son Died and it’s not okay

Sunday 5th August 

James is heading off for a walk with his friend today, he’s taking Robbie with him so Rosie and me are having a girly day.

I suggested to Mum we could spend some time with the horses and give them a good brush and go for a dog walk.  This was last night and I haven’t woken up in a good place this morning.

More bad dreams this time my dream was about my next pregnancy, and I have another  stillbirth at 30 weeks. Seriously brain give me a break.

It takes me a bit of time to get out of bed, Rosie isn’t in a hurry and  am tired we don’t get up till around 10am, and I dont even feel one tiny bit of guilt.

I am waiting for Mum to message.  She says she with Alfie poo picking, well I don’t want to have to chat with them both so I just leave them to if.  Rosie and I spend the morning colouring in… mindfulness.  Keeping me in the hear and now.  I am lost in my own world.  I realise it’s getting later and my poor Rosie still haven’t had a walk.  She doesn’t seem to care, she’s just snoozing next to me.  I continue to colour, I text Mum and ask if she want to join me for a dog walk.  She doesn’t text back.  I am terrible for not chasing people up now a days for things, probably becuase I don’t really have the energy or then desire to do things.

as I sit and colour I tell myself that my son died, I find myself saying it over and over again in my head.  My son died and I never got to be a parent.  I never got to guide him, and keep him safe, I never got to teach him anything.  It was all stolen from me.  I am sad for me, not for Findley.  My son died .  I don’t feel guilty for crying for me, I grew my little boy from tiny seed.  All I want to do is look after him and care for him.  I love my little bit with all my heart.  A tear rolls down my face.  My son died and its not okay!

Before I know it James is home and I still haven’t take Rosie out for a walk.  Terrible  Mum that I am.  James says he will take her out but I need fresh air.  Mum text me back just as I am away to leave so I spin round and pick her up on the way.

its nice to chat and walk with mum, she still really hurts for the loss of Findley ,  I know she was looking forward to being a Granny, Findley was an excuse for her to slow down a little too.  I know he has still helped her with this.  He has helped her realise that life is precious and her time and happiness is important.

It makes me sad when Mum tells me stories of people she has had to tell about Findley and they have been sad for her.  I wonder if it’s a fear of the moment when I have to tell someone what’s happened, and am not prepared.  So far telling everyone has been on my terms in my own time.  One day someone is going to ask me where my baby is, and I am going to be cough of guard and had have to answer them.

The journey is a complete roller coaster of emotions.  Up and down, and back an forth. It’s not okay what happened to us.  Did it happen for a reason.  Findley please    Tell me the reasons

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