Day 23 – Stillborn but my son was still born!

Monday 6th August 

I have my therapist again today, it’s something to get it of bed for.

I am really struggling to motivate myself to get up in the morning, I just feel like I have no purpose. All I want to be is a mummy to my son but that doesn’t involve any work when he’s not here.

I want to scream and shout from the roof tops, I am a mummy, my son was stillborn but he was Still born, even if he never took a breath in this world he was a my baby who I gave birth too.

I have a good session with my therapist. I tell her how I feel I just have no purpose in life now. She wants to her to know me before Findley. I explain to her that. I used to run and ride my horses but once got pregnant I had issues with my pelvis the meant I couldn’t carry theses on. I actually ran an ultra marathon pregnant. Not that. I realise I was pregnant at the time.

I explained that when I want to achieve something I will put 150% into it. So I give it my all. It took me a long time to accept that being pregnant meant I couldn’t do my usual fitness routine, and I put in weight which was also really difficult because I had lost so much. However once I accepted the change to my body I really started to enjoy pregnancy.

So basically am a women of habit, well of course I am, I am the person who is always on time for her appointment, who has to have the same slot for her personal training every week, and who has to do her 4 runs a week, 2 at 5am, 1 after Work and 1 at the weekend. I gave ever this all up to Findley to let him decided my routine. It wasn’t easy to do but I had done it. Now I had no routine, and not interests, other than obviously the dream of more family.

I needed to get back into some sort of routine, let’s start by getting up every morning and walking the dogs, then I can maybe add some more things in, however only as I see fit. This has to be for me. I really wanted to be more interested in the horses but it’s like when Findley died my enjoyment for them died too. I don’t know if it’s the fact I just shouldn’t be able to have time or energy to do them. I guess theses things will come with time.

I flit to thinking about work and it makes me feel sick. I had such s horrible time at work before I had Findley and the though of going back just gives me chills. I don’t have to worry about going back, as I have my full maternity to take, and had planned to take it over the year, so I basically have a year off. I can here some people going how lucky are you, I don’t think this is lucky I would much rather have my baby to look after, also I really don’t think I will be ready to go back to work any time soon. I love my job, but I struggle with the politics in my office and life is just to short. I had things thought that once I went back after Findley things would be better and I would have my baby and different things in life would be important. I guess I don’t have to worry about how to deal with that for a while.

I wonder if I will ever be content with life again? I loved my life, I loved who I had become since meeting James and growing in myself. His love gave my so much self confidence and strength I don’t think he realises just how important he is to me. I can see him constantly worrying about me, the look in his eye for me is hurt and pain. He wants to look after me, it’s his mission through all this, he wants me to survive this. So do I. I just have no idea what’s next for me.

I keep saying to myself that Findley gave me this time, this is a reason he was in my life, and a reason it was for such s short space of time. I don’t want to waste this time he has given me, but then I can’t figure out what it is am meant to do?

Findley please help Mum figure out what it is she is meant to do with this time? I love my little boy so much, I trust he will guide me! I just guess I will have no idea when he is. I imagine this little toddler invisible to everyone taking my hand and guiding me in the correct direction.

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