Day 24 – be kind to yourself

Tuesday 7th August 

I am so proud of myself today, I set an alarm and got out of bed. We went and took the dogs for a walk before heading to Asda to pick up some clothes for me. I have nothing that really fits me, so I have bought some items of clothing to keep me going. I have a massive pile of maternity clothes .. do I keep them or get rid of them? I decided to just ignore that for just now.

I feel like I am winning at life, which am sure people might think is silly, just because I managed to get up dressed and leave the house, but it really did feel like I was trying to do something.

I wonder what else I can do to try and help my body and mind, after some googling I decide to try some acupuncture. I had been reading another blog who had said it was helpful. Now to find someone, I find a local clinic and phone them, explain what has happened and ask if it will help. She says absolutely and tells me she has room for me today. Well that was quick and lucky as she’s on holiday for two weeks after today.

I head down to inverurie and feel very brave this is another first, james offer to take me but I know I have to try and be strong. I get to the place and realise the clinic also do baby scans, oh please no pregnant women turn up when am here.

I can’t figure out how to get into the clinic, am pressing all the buzzers and nothing, then this women opens the door to the side of me and points at the sign in the door. It says closed for lunch from 1.34-1.55. How had I not even seen the sign, it takes every ounce of strength not to start crying at my mistake, what a stupid women I am. I sit down read my leaflet and try to focus on me.

The actual acupuncture session was so relaxing, I think I could bs e fallen asleep. Anyone who hasn’t had acupuncture and sure you probably thinking, how can you relax when someone is sticking needles in you. Who knows but it totally did.

I also got to speak to Sue about Findley and my pregnancy. How much I loved my wee boy and how sad it all was he wasn’t here. She told me for what it’s worth she think I am doing really well, we are only three weeks along this journey.

I am trying so hard to figure out what it is I need to do with my life, and I think if I can’t spend my money looking after Findley I should really spend it looking after James and me. Maybe this is what is meant by be kind to yourself?

I spend the afternoon continuing to write Findley story. I am so glad I managed not to google to much the last few days. I always know. I am having a better day when I dont spend it googling and on SANDS forum.

I really wish there was more support up here for women in this situation, I wonder how difficult it would be to get a qualification in some sort of counselling and offer my time to support women in this situation in the future? It’s maybe something I need to look into.

I have been speaking to another lovely lady in the other side of the world who has been through a similar tragedy to Findley and I am finding it really helpful, when I read her blog and see how much support she has, it makes me sad that all we have here is a support group once a month and some goons numbers.

I need to figure out how I can make this better..