Wednesday 8th August
James is away today, a whole day by myself. I can do this!!!
I get up after few minutes of not wanting to, head down stairs and have breakfast. Check me out being all normal. I then head out with the dogs, to bennachie. I do feel a wee bit sad a small tear is in the corner of my eye as I walk. I keep thinking about the fact I should be pushing my pram with my baby in it. Then I wonder how I would have managed Findley and the dogs, I can imagine me loosing my rag trying to get the pram out of the boot at the same time as trying to stop Rosie getting run over.
We need dog food, we are heading away tomorrow and I know that we don’t have enough food for the weekend. I offer James I would go to norvite, but he said he would go. I felt strong today I recon I would manage.
I feel a little anxious as I drive to get the food, again a feel a tear but I am strong. Findley is helping me out today. I have to spend some time in the shop waiting for them to get the dog food, I don’t see anyone I know so it’s all good. I pay and leave. That was easy, next tasks. I still have t gotten Katie a baby boy card, I can’t face Tesco but I hoped that co op might have some cards. This is a big thing going in myself but I do really feel like I am having a coping day.
I head in the shop and buy a card. I fill it out and think I will drop it off on my way home. Then I just start to cry, I think go myself why did no one send me and baby boy cards, I never got one congratulations on your baby boy card, all I got was sympathy cards. Not that I am not appreciative of these however I grew and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I cry and cry, it hurts so deep. I am sobbing. I text James and tell him that it has upset me, and in future I will always send congratulation cards to people if anyone is ever in our situation. I feel cheated!!
I remember when I posted in Facebook about Findley being still born I like the congratulations messages more than the so sorry ones. He made me a mummy, he was perfect he was my little boy.
i felt like I had conquered the world today but it had pulled me right down back into my darkest places.
i text Racheal, I tell her how I am feeling, she says all the right things she tells me I can speak to my little boy at any time and he is always with me. Then I think I have stopped speaking to my little boy, maybe that’s what’s wrong. I go upstairs and I tell him how much I miss him, and how quite the house is. I tell him it’s to quite without him here. I say I am sorry he’s not here and I miss him. We have a chat. It helps but i am just not in a good place today.
I am meant to be catching up with a friend today, I feel like I have been waiting all day to hear from her. When she calls me, I feel so worthless, she asks if I want to come to hers, I just can’t I want to just sit here my self. I can’t speak to her on the phone am crying again. She tells me she’s coming round. I am so glad to see her, I know she knows what I am going through. I never knew till this happened to me that others I knew have been in similar situations. My heart breakers for them all. No Mum should have to deliver their baby without s hesrt beat.
spsesking about what happened and and talking about Findley really makes me feel good. I realise I must speak about Findley every day. I have a need to say his name.
I instantly feel better speaking about him. I love my little boy.
My little man gives me strength everyday. I don’t have to forget about him, he should always be part of my day.
when James gets home I feel stronger but I have had a bad day, I have a cry about how I feel that no one congratulated us, he explains to me that people will be worried they upset us. I know this and understand it. People hurt for us, and hearts break with us, but they aren’t around us to know how much love and happiness Findley gave us.
I achived So much today, but also found myself in a dark place. I hope that once people have read this, they aren’t afraid of congratulating me.