Day 26 – Space

Thursday Aug 9th

Please give me strength to get through today Findley.

We are going away today for a few day, I don’t want to go away. I shouldn’t be able to go away I should be looking after my baby. I want to just stay in bed, but I know I can’t. Yesterday drained me, I feel so empty.

I think going away is almost like acceptance that we can because I am not pregnant and we don’t have a baby. I get myself up and dressed and pack my bag.

I totally abandon James to sort out the dogs stuff and just sit in the sofa in the SANDS forum.

I asked if we could go to loch muick on the way to Pitlochry to walk the dogs, of course James agrees so we head over. Once we are there and walking I look across the loch and let out an almighty sigh, James asked what’s wrong, it’s so beautiful here and peaceful and my wee boy should be here with us. I remind myself that he is with me but it’s just not the same. It hurts so deep, I wonder if I will ever be able to be who I was before.

I feel like life will never be the same again, the emptiness and endless darkness doesn’t seem to lift. James tries to help me and we speak about how he’s feeling. We are both in such different paths with our grieving, it affects people so differently but we can still support each other. He just looks forward to how amazing life will be again.

Once we are back in the car we i put Findley’s celebration music on. My heart will go on starts, the words echo in my head, love can touch us one time, and las for a life time. It makes me sad, but it’s so true.

I try really hard chat away heading down the road, chatting rubbish like, if you had to be animal which one would you be.

Once we arrive at our hotel we take the dogs out for a walk again before heading for tea. We go to the dam and I stand and feel so at peace no idea why.

We sit down and I order a class of
Wine, this is the first time we have been out for a meal and the first time I have had wine. It’s the first time I have proper toasted Findley, I feel s little bit sad but happy too. I enjoy our meal and we chat about findley and life.

I feel normal for a few minutes and I text my and ask her to get Roxy shoes but back on. This is the first time I have even entertained getting back on a horse, maybe it’s time to start moving forward.

I feel this trip away might make me or break me. No one knows what’s happened here but I want to shout from the roof I am a mum!!