Day 27 – Focus

Friday 10th Aug

I woke up today and I had to again ask Findley to give me strength to get through the day. I wonder how long I will have to depend on him for.

My minds struggle to focus, James and I head for a walk with the puppies after breakfast. Am so tired still, I don’t know if it’s because my thyroid is off or am just exhausted from this grieving.

As we walk James asks me what am thinking, I think it’s shit. I should be walking here pushing my pram, I turned and looked at the view and just think seriously why can’t I share this with my boy. Then I remember everything I do I share with my boy. He can see everything I see because he is part of me. I can’t just forget what happened.

I am so determined not to let this tragedy define who I am for the rest of my life. I used to be the women who inspired other to run or loss weight to do something they didn’t think they could. I don’t want the loss of my son to make me this sad person why can’t focus on anything else.

We spend the afternoon in the pub with the dogs just chilling, am googling and on the SAND forum, I know it’s not a good day if am doing this.

I sit and think of my friends with children and instantly and jealous of them. Why do they get to have their babies but I don’t. I have to tell myself to stop thinking like this, it’s not healthy.

Why can’t I be happy, I love my husband so much and feel so lucky to have him. I am having a day where I just want another baby, and I want to believe it will be amazing and happen so soon.

I have to remind myself we are only 27 days into this journey. Be kind to myself, let life happen. It’s just my complete lack of interest in anything. I text Rachael and Steph today asking them for idea of what I do with the time that Findley has given me, as I really don’t want to waste it.

Google can’t answer any of my question I have, this is our journey.

Thank you Findley for getting me through today. I do hope one day I won’t have to keep asking you to support me.

One day I hope soon the weight will lighten slightly and life will have more purpose.

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