Saturday August 11th
The first thing I think of this morning as with every morning is My precious little boy. The why me runs through my head.
I am trying to decided if I will ever be happy again, I feel like happiness has given up on me. I was probably the happiest I think I have ever been that week before Findley died. I am a happy person, I preferred a smile and a giggle rather than being sad about things.
I read the story of the orca who has carried her dead calf for 17 days, and how the world watch in in shock. I think I would happily have never said goodbye to Findley but I knew in my heart his time was limited in this earth. I think people need to understand that you carry the death of a child for the rest of your life. It’s not something you can drop and move in from. They never got to have a life and enjoy the world, feel the love daily that everyone has for them. They died before they even had a chance.
I can’t decided now what is a good day and What is a bad day, every day seem like a life fine in purgatory, drifting with the most souls.
How a days can change so quickly, I has a proper cry with James and went for a walk with the dogs, it really helped clear my head.
I understand that I want to have another baby, and we will, but that will not solve the pain I suffer for the loss of Findley. I still have to deal with that and can’t hide in the future. I can’t pin my happiness in another child, that is no fair for them nor healthy for me. So I just need to plan.
In the way home we stop in past James dads, it’s nice to see him and to chat, James is excited for the prospect of his new job. It’s also nice to have a few minutes of normality. I speak openly about Findley and I realise how important it is for me to speak about him and what happened. This is how I help myself to heel. I have to speak about him and our journey.
Once home I sit and look at my beautiful boy his photo sit proudly on my coffee table. I love my little boy, and although I though nearly 4 weeks on my pain may have subsided slightly and I may have found a way of coping. Then a realise that it’s only been 4 weeks and I have to give myself time.
I chat with Zandra in what’s app, today and she reminds me even if it doesn’t feel like I Am making plans, I actually am. Like trying to get back into healthy eating and my fitness back. I didn’t realise it till she told me, but this is a plan, next week is week 4 post Findley’s birth I am going to try her back on my bike. I have also decided that I will cook fresh health meals for us every day. Well I don’t have much else to do just now.
See Findley I promise I will use this time wisely, first I must grieve your loss. Sleep soundly my wee man!