Sunday 12th August
I wake up early I don’t even know what time it is. Please please brain give me a break, please allow me some peace without the reminder of the hurt I feel around my son. I want to sleep and I want to dream, I don’t want to keep being reminded of the pain. I had been dreaming of being pregnant and Findley kicking away and having a party, he often woke me up.
I manage to get back to sleep but my dreams are all about findley. I try to relax and free my kind I want to imagine floating and my spirit finding Findley and seeing his little chubby cheeks and his beautiful smile. I can’t though as I never got to see his smile, or the twinkle in his eye. Sod this for a game, why the hell cant I just make it up and use my imagination.
I flick to imagining I am with him, no longer on this planet in this body, it’s a dark thought one I quickly shake off.
I know James is awake, I can hear him but I don’t want him to know am awake, he will ask me how I am, and I think I might cry, I can feel it in my stomach that horrible sickening knot.
James heads down stairs I know I am awake but I don’t want to get up yet. Once he leaves I roll over and notice the empty space. My heart is full of this empty space. I log into my email to see what’s happening I had out a message in SANDS last night, I had been sitting up late watching tv and I kept having moments where I would totally forget everything that happened, I could probably even forget I was ever pregnant, then out of no where I felt like a bus hit me in the stomach and it all came back to me, the hurt and pain. I had posted how I was feeling and I was keen to know if anyone had replied. There are three replies all saying they feel the same, I am comforted that it’s normal, but I am angry I have to feel like this!
James sister and partner are coming round today, at the moment in time I could just stay in bed all day, I can’t be bothered with people.
I wonder why when I first wake up I feel like this. Is it my dreams and my subconscious? Yesterday was the same, although this morning I didn’t ask Findley to give me strength to get through the day. Maybe I don’t want to get through today. Maybe today is a day for tears and heart ache.
As I sit and write this I feel this morning i read a message from Zandra from last night. it’s for a link go an article on still birth. I read it, I don’t like the face the write calls her baby a corpse but then I realise this is how she feels, I go into read some other articles around still births and my mind starts to clear. It’s a reminder that how I am feeling is normal. Be kind to yourself seems to be words has a lot in still birth, but kind to yourself and allow yourself time. I love one of the blogs where it says don’t text me and say you there if you need me, text me and tell me your coming round at 6 and taking dinner. I really agree with this, I don’t want be a burden so I won’t tend to message people to arrange things, plus I still don’t really feel like I want to do much but be a mummy. So if people don’t arrange with me I don’t tend to arrange with them.
James comes up stairs to see I am okay, I tell him I have been awake since he got up but pretended to be asleep. We laugh and chat about how his morning has been. I decided I should really get up and showered.
I decided today should be about my blog, I have written all these thoughts down but I haven’t shared any of them. I feel that I should becuase reading other people’s stories has really helped me during my time.
I am engrossed in this most of the day, I don’t even take the dogs out, I leave James to do it as I just sit edit and type. I cry as I read the first few days of my memories, I had gotten past these tears but reading it takes me right back to that day.
I buy my web address and start to publish. I then go onto my Facebook and share the link in a post. Gosh I hope I am doing the right thing.
Aileen and Gavin arrive round and I am happy to see them, I am in such a good space this afternoon. It’s fantastic, we sit and chat Mum pops round and we just chat away. I make tea and we enjoy a steak pie.
Gavin is so funny with his stories I star to laugh, like properly laugh, I can’t remembe the last time I laughed so much. I say something totally inappropriate then laugh at myself. I laugh so hard I feel am crying at the same time. It’s a very weird sensation am I happy or sad. I dont know but I kept laughing. It feels good. I don’t know when I properly laughter at something.
once we finished diner I sit back on the sofa and pick my phone up and am in shock, I have so many message from friends. They have read my blog, and they are now asking my about my Findley. This is exactly what I wanted, I don’t want people to be afraid to ask me questions. It doesn’t matter if their question make me cry it’s all part of grieving.
I hope I really do hope that this blog helps others understand stillbirth, allows others to speak about the taboo subject easier, and maybe to support other in this situation, just as others rosolles blogs have supported me.
I go to bed happy, I don’t know if happy is the right word. Something has lifted a little and the light is a little brighter