Day 30 – Don’t be afraid to dream

Monday 13th August

I think I slept a bit better last night, my dreams were around being Pregnant again. I was back at work and telling a colleague. After I woke I started thinking about Findley and what caused his death again. The what ifs, they always creep back in when your not looking. I remember around week 35 having pains but I think it was just practise contractions, how would I know I have never been pregnant before.

Around lunch time my phone rings, it’s a NHS Grampian number. I wonder who it is, it’s my consultant secretary she’s phoning to arrange our follow up appointment. She offered me the 17th, does she mean the 17th September.. nope she means Friday. Wow that’s not far away. I ask if she is sure it’s the follow up, are all the results back, and they have discussed the case and completed the investigation? Yip the follow up. Am a little annoyed as I know Rachael and my community midwife wanted to be at the investigation meeting, she confirm it was healed in the 9th, wow they didn’t waste any time.

She explains that I can take them to the follow up meeting if I would like, but I need to speak to James and decided. I definitely think having Racheal there will be a good idea. I think we are going to get so much information it’s probably going to be hard to remember and keep track of what’s being said. I phone Racheal to see if she wants to come along. She does. I instantly start to panic in my head. What if they tell me that it’s my fault he died, my body failed him? That we shouldn’t have any more babies? I will never be able to carry to term? That bloody what ifs again!!

I hate my brain!

The afternoon is brighter, I had such a fab visit from Dawn today. We chatted for hours. I chatted about Findley, but chatted about life too. It’s nice to have some normality. We are both currently trying to find ourselves, it’s nice to connect with other who are in the same path, even if it’s for a different reason.

After Dawn leaves I head out with the dogs for a walk, i can’t believe how quite it is when I am out walking, I stop and listen and can’t hear anything but the buzz of some flies, I don’t think I like silence anymore, I want the rest of my life to be full of noise. I think silence reminds me of Sadness.

After my walk I head to do the horses I had said to Mum I would do them this week. I really don’t want to do them, I can’t really pin point why I don’t like going to them. I think it’s because it’s a reminder! A reminder that life is not how I wanted it.

I speak to bailey and tell him that mummy wasn’t meant to be here, mummy was meant to have a baby, I ask if he remember the baby in my tummy. I then tell him mummy’s baby died. This just starts me crying. I feel the tears running down my face, bailey gives me a cuddle. I snap myself out of it, stop feeling sorry for yourself. I finish feeding the ponies and head home. I park the car, put Findley’s music on and just start ugly crying, the waves are over the top of me and I don’t care.

I am crying for me, crying maybe isn’t the right word, sobbing. I have the music on so no one can hear my cries. I just sometime need a really good cry. In my head it’s part of acceptance of what happened. I am letting the hurt in. I am not a crier, I do not like to wallow in my self pity, it takes a lot for me to accept that it’s okay to just let myself be.

I think I was okay until the hospital phoned today, now I am thinking about going back there, and I realise that I haven’t been there since I gave birth to Findley. My poor baby died, I have been robbed of so many dreams.

I am messaging a friend who is telling me how much she has enjoyed my blog. I tell her about being scared to dream, because all my dreams have been distorted. I had my happy ever after within my finger tips and it was snatched. She remind me that a happy ever after first has a fight, don’t be afraid to fight, don’t be afraid to dream, don’t be afraid!

my mission this week is to not be afraid – thanks for the weekly mission ideas Dawn