Day 31 – 4 weeks into this journey, where am I now?

Tuesday 14th August

I have figured out my new routine, it’s not as I planned but it’s not bad, I wake up and catch up on messages etc then I just chill out in bed for an hour maybe, reading and writing my blog. I get up showered dressed and start my day. So who cares if it’s 10am and am just getting dressed!

When I started writing Findley’s story I didn’t really think about how my writing would affect others close to me, until someone sent me something they wrote about their experience with Findley. I brought a tear to my eye.

I know I wrote once saying that I would love to know how findley has affect everyone, I just didn’t realise how seeing it in black and white would make me feel. It’s the realisation that it’s wasn’t only a little bit of my heart that Findley took with him when he died he took little bits of other peoples hearts to. However he defiantly left them with a little of his. My precious baby boy was more special than we will ever realise.

Today all and all has been a good day. I spent most of the day with Racheal. I feel like she grounds me, I can speak with her about Findley, birth, death, the future, what scares me, what makes me happy. Her girls also are amazing to be around both Molly and Maggie. It was Maggie birthday today, she’s 1. They both really are a credit to their Mum. Although I saw Racheal’s serious mummy face for the first time today which I haven’t seen before, made me giggle. Wonder what mine will look like?

I did the horses again today, I didn’t cry this time which I think is a bonus. I didn’t mind being there as much, maybe I am struggling with it so much because it’s part of what my normal routine used to be, and my heart so desires not to go back to how life was before Findley?

James went out with his friends from work for dinner, which meant I had to look after myself, it’s the first time in 4 weeks I have had to do this. It’s just felt so normal, I think my brain could actually trick me into forgetting I was ever pregnant. Racheal says it’s a good sign that my body is recovering from pregnancy.

I feel much stronger today, I don’t know if it’s because I am starting to feel back in control of life. I plan on jog Scotland in two weeks to get back running, Pilates with Claire start again soon, hopefully getting back out in my bike this week. I tried sitting on top of the gate at the horses today I though if I can climb this and sit up here surly I can manage my bike? Maybe take it a spin round the block tomorrow. I don’t want to loss weight like I did before, I just want to get my body into the best shape I can for my next pregnancy when ever it may be. Healthy and happy as possible. Gives me a focus.

My routine hasn’t really panned out as I had planned originally but I think I am slowly finding my own way forward .

I have had lots of message today after people have read my blog. My therapist said to me, my thoughts are not public property and I don’t have to share them, but for some reason sharing then are really helping me, and also helping others feel comfortable to contact me.

Day one mission one completed I was not afraid today! Although my mind does worry about what Friday will bring, it’s one extreme to the other really, they could tell me anything from Findley’s death was a tragic freak incident to all my bodies fault. The speed in which they have arranged our feedback fears me but only because working for the NHS I know how tight services are and how long people have to wait. We don’t have long to wait now anyway.