Day 32 – one small step towards the light

Wednesday 15th August

I was speaking to a friend yesterday who tragically lost her husband in an accident just this year. This obviously has affected my subconscious because I had a dream last night about it. I compared losing a husband to losing a child. They are both equally as life changing and heart breaking as each other.

I really don’t know how I would survive this journey without James by my side. It feels like he is my port in the storm. So strong and sensible. I don’t even know how I was so lucky to have found him and have him in my life. I really do hope he knows this, I know that some times we forget to tell the ones close to us, how much they mean to us.

Choc came round today and we went for a walk and lunch, it was nice to see her and Myla, and I am so glad that I have no jealousy towards her for having her family and me not having mine. Silly to say this but I think I was worried I would struggle to be around families. Myla is nearly one and choc and I started our journey around that same time for a family. It’s amazing how different our journey has been. Choc asks me a question as we are out walking, do you ever see yourself being excited or happy about anything again, no one has asked me this question, I haven’t even asked myself. I have been so busy surviving that I can’t even imagine being happy. I need to have a really long hard think about what will make me happy. I can say that in the future when we see the little heart beat of our next family member I know I can see happiness, however is a very long time away. Thinking of winter seems to make me feel happier but I have no idea why. Maybe because I hope by the time winter is here my hurt will be less, then I remember the hurdles that we are still to face, the day I saw those two line appear on the home pregnancy test, that overwhelming unbelievable happiness that filled my life all of a sudden from that moment forward until Findley heart stopped. Christmas, won’t be the Christmas that We has planned either which will be difficult. However what and when do I see myself being excited or happy about something I really can’t imagine right now what will make me feel like this now.

As we sit eating lunch I knew I was planning on going to see Katie and Seamus right after and I was worried. Worried how I would feel when I met her little boy. As I sat and though about it I realised there where 3 other babies the room and I just started thinking how unfair it all was, why couldn’t I have my wee boy, waves are over my head again and I feel tears starting to roll down my face. I see Choc slightly panic and she asks if I want to leave, I don’t I just need to take a deep breath and let the wave wash over.

I get out of Choc’s car and head to Katie’s, I feel the waves washing over me, I take a few deep breaths. This will be hard, there is no doubt about it, I think it’s worse that she has a little boy, our little boys should be together they should be around the same size and weight they both have hair. They should be in the prams as we walk around comparing sore nipples and dippers.

Once I am in the house I know am going to just have to let these waves crash down on me, tears fill my eye and there is nothing at all I can do to stop them. I feel terrible hopping that Katie didn’t think I am not happy for them to have their rainbow baby in their arms. These tears are for me and my boy. What is missing from my life is right in front of me. A gorgeous bundle of joy, he’s only two weeks old, Findley would be around four by now. So maybe a little bigger but not by much. I watch Katie with him, and am so sad that all these precious moments she is having were stolen from me. Such a selfish thought. I pull myself together as I watch her dressing him, he has just has a poop explosion she tells me.

Katie finish dressing him and takes him over to me, i can’t help but start to ugly cry as she places him into my arms. He feels around the same weight as Findley and around as long. The last baby I had in my arms was my baby boy. My heart breaks for me and my boy, but goodness Katie and Mathew make beautiful babies!! So squishy and cuddly, Katie raps her arm around me as I cuddle her wee boy and cry for my loss. I find myself apologising again and again for crying. I am so happy for them, but so sad for me. The waves finally start to subside and I am above them again.

I sit and watch as she feeds and mothers her little boy, and ever so often wave washes over my again and tears fill my eyes, I so want to be able to feed and hold my baby. I love that I can cry in front of Katie I know she knows how hard, yet important this is for me. I keep thinking about how one day I will get to experience this all. What happened to us is a tragic incident. We are that statistic, that 1 in 230 odd. Someone has to be that 1, I just wish oh so wish it wasn’t us.

Once I get home James is already back from Inverurie and I tell him all about how beautiful Seamus is, and how it had felt to see him and hold him. How my heart broke a little bit, and how I so wish we had our little boy.

I went to see the horses again today, bailey has a sad face on, I asked him what was up, I think he feels my hurt, he’s used to happy mummy not such a was mummy.

I spent most of my evening reading some more of Jodie’s Blog, it is like reading my own story and feelings. She is much further ahead in her journey than me. Nearly a year. It fills me with joy that she is expecting her rainbow baby, hers second child and is 3 months. Every time I feel the need to google something to make me feel better I read another day of her blog. I love her honesty about how life is after loss. She wrote a wonderful Poem too, to all the mummy and dads with angel babies.

Visit Jodie’s page below

Day 77