Day 33 – The eye of the storm

Thursday 16th August

It’s 1.30am and I can’t sleep.

After seeing Katie’s Seamus yesterday I realised I never let myself imagine what life would be like if Findley hadn’t died. I never really allowed myself to go down the route of how he would would be. I knew that my arms were empty and I wanted him here screaming but I hadn’t imagined it!

I could share everything else with Katie so far, the pregnancy, the labour, but now I had to imagine how Findley would be after he had fed, I would have to imagine what it feels like to hear him cry. I think it’s maybe the hear him cry that probably is the hardest one.

I feel that this is probably the hardest first I will ever face on this journey. No one else can really understand how I am feeling right now.

I secretly hope that I can survive this (well not so secretly in a blog) because I want more than anything to stay as close to Katie as we have been the past few months. I feel katie was meant to be in my life to help me through this hard time. I just don’t know if I am strong enough, only time will tell. I worry that I will struggle to keep up with all her new exciting firsts as a just haven’t experienced.

I sit and look at the photo of Findley I have as my screen on my phone, he looks so peaceful, so silent, so still. My precious little boy! It’s so unfair that he died, and I don’t get to experience any of the firsts that I want to. Instead all my firsts are trying to handle what has happened! I want to just scream f**kn the universe!!

4am, and two diazepam later I finally fell asleep. I am emotionally and mental exhausted today! I know the “good” days are closer together now. When I say good I mean the ones where I feel like I can cope. Is the first time in a good couple of weeks I have needed and diazepam, I don’t take them lightly.

I have all these good intentions of how to get my life back in track, but because I actually don’t want to change the course I was heading I find it hard to fallow through. At least Val is coming over today, that will get me out of bed at some point. This morning I just need to let myself be!

I slept for another hour this morning after James left, I know people keep worrying about me saying I want to spend time in my bed, but it’s honestly no as bad as people think I am I up showered and dressed by 11am.

I am kind of gutted as I was meant to Skype with Jodie this morning, I have mentioned her blog already on here, she’s been a fantastic support through my journey so far, but am just to tired, she understands and we re arrange.

It was nice to see Val today, we sit and she just listens to me speak for hours. I probably have told her the same stories over and over again but she listens anyway. That’s what good friends do. She takes me some heart felt gifts too, there is no way anyone is ever going to forget our little boy. I show her some photo of Findley she hasn’t seen before, I can sense as she looks at them they pull up some painful memories for her, but she is staying strong for me.

I spend the rest of my afternoon after Val leaves googling, I just want to hear about positive stories after still births. I want to be able to believe in hope that their is light at the end of the dark tunnel. I feel that this is normal in this situation.

I so wish that I was still pregnant with my little peanut partying away, feeling every kick and roll, needing to pee ever 5 mins, when Findley was alive and I was happy.

I feel like I am right in the eye of this storm right now, with facing the hardest first and now in less that 24hours we will have the results from the investigation into Findley’s death. I hope this gives us closure, I feel like I need to accept that there is nothing anyone could have ever done to change Findley’s path, I fear that tomorrow meeting may either allow this or bring back all the anger from the first few weeks. Only time will tell.

I know Findley will be with us tomorrow helping us to stay strong!