Day 34 – Cause of Death

Friday 17th August

I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach this morning. What are they going to tell us today? I really don’t know if I can do this. What if my body failed my little boy and I killed him? How is this going to make me feel?

Findley give me strength to get through today!

I had a dream last night I was still pregnant and someone said to me, the safest place for your baby is in your tummy, as once their out you can’t look after them as well, and you just worry about them for the rest of their life’s. I wish I had been able to keep Findley safe in my tummy.

I have said to a few people this week and have been thinking about it lots but haven’t written it down, they ask when a tree falls in the woods if no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise? Well I wonder if a baby died in your womb because they are starved of oxygen and nutrients, do they feel pain? They aren’t breathing yet so they won’t gasp for air, but do they know they are about to die, it it scary for them? Or do they just cease to be? Do their little body just shut down because my body is is no longer able to keep them alive?

Today I think my tears will not be for me but for my little boy, I know that we might never know why he died and he doesn’t lie next to me.

In a world where everything is happy and good, I would be posting a photo of my beautiful baby boy in face book with a “I am 1 month old ” card lying next to him. Instead I wonder once again how I will ever survive the death of my child.

Tomorrow we have been invited to two birthday parties we are going to neither, however when I had first been invited to them I imagined that it would be Findley’s first social outing, everyone over his pram telling me how cute he was, trying to steal cuddles. Instead I sit in the car on the way into Aberdeen to the ward where he was stillborn cuddling his little cardigan. Tell me in who’s world is this okay.

I didn’t really think of how hard it would be to go back to Rubislaw until I actually walked into the ward, I just froze and couldn’t move and started crying. It was like I was all of a sudden back on Sunday 15th July, the scan room to the right of me, that’s where they told me my baby had died. Then I flashed forward to the day Findley was born, walking back in to give birth to him. I am frozen to the spot my head breaking, stuck to the spot!

Rach went ahead and told them we were there, luckily they had booked a tutorial room so I didn’t need to go any further into the ward. I turned and walked back out, we sat down and waited for the consultant and senior nurse to arrive. It was a lot harder to be back in the maternity but a few deep breaths and I felt strong again.

The meeting went well, I don’t think it’s appropriate to share the full contents on here, but all my questions were answered. the report stated that Findley’s cause of death was a small placenta for gestational age. Although it also pointed out there had been no autopsy and this may have give more answers. There was a lot of discussion around things that could have been done differently during my care and I really felt like I had been listened to and my opinions taken onboard. I said in A previous blog that all I wanted out of this was to follow what Findley would have wanted, and for people to learn from it and not for it to happen to anyone else. I feel that has been achieved. Again none of these things cause Findley’s death. His placenta failed him. Mother Nature is the only one responsible for the placenta, there is no way of knowing or seeing that there is an issue with it.

As we spoke through our case i realise that I maybe had more episodes of reduced movement that I realised earlier in my 3rd trimester. However people keep just asking me if I had reduced movements, and I kept saying I don’t know because Findley never had a routine and often had quite days. I voiced in the meeting and feel it’s important to mention it here, that although we are given a leaflet about still births around 24ish weeks I think this should be reiterated later in pregnancy again. Pregnant women should be asked to watch for any change in movements not just reduced movements, because it found it so hard to determine reduced movement until there were none. We should have been told the day we where in for the scan when Findley’s growth started to tail off, not just to have zero tolerance for reduced movements but also why, the reason is because this is warning signs for a still birth.

Although it’s bitter sweet, I feel like once again little boy who never drew breath on this earth has made a massive impact. This time on the future care of other mums and babies . I hope my little boy is with me seeing all these amazing things he achieved. He’s so special!

I am reassured that future care will be different for us when we have more family, that everything in their power will be done to avoid this heart break again.

After the meeting we head for lunch and have a good chat I even have a gin as instructed by Louise when she had messaged me earlier. I feel lighter, like a some weight has been lifted, the worry that I was responsible for my beautiful Findley’s death was obviously crushing me more than I realised. I love my little boy with all my heart and always will, he gives me so much strength.

Once we get home I feel like I could make some plans, and get my bike ready for a run tomorrow, 5 weeks postpartum seems okay.

To finish my day off I collect the mail and open a beautiful card from Nikki, a congratulation cards for my little boy. A massive smile spread across my face, no any old card either, a beautiful personalised one .

Thank you Findley for giving me the strength to get through today, and the strength to start again. Tonight we raise a glass to you for everything you have achieved in your amazing life so far.

I still fail to be even able accept the rollercoaster of emotions that every day seems to bring with it on this journey.