Day 35 – get back on the bike

Saturday 18th August

I had a thought that’s scared me .. what if I start to forget about Findley. I keep saying that time is flying past at the same time as standing stills. The reason I think this happens is because the memories we want to hold onto and never forget are those moments that seem to be years ago, like the moment Rachael congratulated me on my baby boy and placed him in my arms, and the night I spent peering at my precious angel in his Moses basket . Those moments seems so far away. Then those moment you want to disappear into the past, those are the ones that seem to be at the forefront of my mind that I can’t even get to fad if I want to like the moment I realised my baby had died. So therefore time seems like it passes quickly but then so slowly.

What if one day I wake up and can’t remember what my baby boys little button nose looked like, or how cute his little pouty lips are. That scares me, I never ever want to forget Findley, even if the memories of him remind me of what I have lost in my life.

I really wish I knew why morning are so hard, once I get up going days seem to get a bit better. I think I it must be because I dream, I don’t always remember my dreams but I know I dream often of findley, being pregnant and my family. I am not scared to dream. I know what I dream for.

I am glad Laura is coming over for a bike ride today, it got me out of bed for starters but i really need to get going again with things that make me happy. I bought my road bike just before I found out I was pregnant so I only got out on it three times before I was too pregnant to ride. I have been keen to get in my bike for a few weeks now but was a bit worried about his comfortable it would be.

The ride was fab we managed 16 miles which I didn’t think was to shabby at 5 week postpartum. It was a good head clearer and we chatted lots. I think findley would be proud of me today, check his mummy actually getting out and doing something she enjoys. So much so am hoping if I can’t walk tomorrow, am going to head out on my bike again.

I did have to laugh when I tried to climb the stairs to get changed and my legs were like jelly. Laura and me headed out for lunch after our bike ride to. It felt really “normal” I also never though twice about going out for lunch and it maybe being busy being a Saturday. Winning at life?

People said to me there would be moment when the tears just catch you by surprise, I had one of those moments today. We had all the family round for a take away tonight, and we are sitting eating and it just hits me all of a sudden. I can fell tears in my eyes, the last time we were all together was Findley’s celebration. Then I think how sad it is we are all sitting here and I should be nursing my one month old baby. I try really hard to not let it wash over me but I just can’t, I head upstairs and have a good cry for my little boy.

I have a good chat with Findley, i can’t stop apologise to him for not fighting for him and making sure they did their job right, but I tell him that I just didn’t know any better. I don’t want to live in the what ifs, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like I let him down.

I some times struggle to see how I move on from the here and now without my baby boy. I known I will but some times it just seem impossible.

I feel like I am slowly chipping away at the massive wall that some one dropped in front of the path of my life. I am not afraid to dream, I am not afraid to fail and I am not afraid to cry! I am not afraid!