Day 36 – 5 weeks today since your heart stopped wee man

Sunday 19th August

How did we get to the 19th August already? I can’t believe is 5 weeks since we found out Findley’s heart had stop beating. Don’t get me wrong I am not marking each week as mile stone but in some little way they are a mile stone. A week further away from the last time I felt my little boy move and a week further into my new life.

I managed to get up this morning without to much thought, I had planned to meet Claire for a bike ride. I didn’t sleep that well, i woke at 5am but my dream wasn’t about Findley or being pregnant it was about an awards ceremony and I had to walk past a gift shop with baby boy clothes at it, it’s funny I dreamt this as I said to Laura yesterday when I was buying Myla’s birthday card I didn’t have a problem looking at baby boy gifts. I clearly do but refused to acknowledge it.

I instantly regretted arranging another bike run today once my bum was on my bike seat and my legs start turning. Ouchy! My poor bum and thighs. I think I will just keep going and hope that once am warmed up the pain will subside a little. I guess I should have really though about easing myself back into my bike. Once we are out on the road it’s much better, I enjoy my ride with Claire. I chat about how I wish more people would speak about findley to me, I think people are worried of what to say.

I have decided to get a tattoo to represent findley. I already have one tattoo that I got for Roxy. Claire designed my Roxy tattoo so I have asked her to design my tattoo for Findley, she’s an amazing artist I can’t wait to see what she comes up with.

the rest of the day I have decided is just for me and to just relax and try and recharge. Grief is so exhausting.

I logged in to Facebook today for the first time in a while, I saw a post from a friend about her horse not being well, it’s hits me right in the stomach, I know her horse is her baby. I message her to check in and just let her know I am think about her, she responds to me how nice I am to be thinking of others when I am going through my journey. I can’t imagine not being there for others that I care about just because of what I am going through. It also make me a little sad that I am a nice person, I know this but bad things still happen.

I am starting to have much more “normal” like days. Every day is a rollercoaster, but normal seem to be starting to appear more in my thoughts. James cooking dinner for me as I sit with the puppies watching Netflix’s. The problem with having the more normal moments is that when I have that wave of grief it seem to hit harder, I used to be able to see it coming and just keep my head above it, now they seem to take me by surprise hitting me hard in the stomach and tears just fill my eyes. There is only a hand full of days in the last 36 that I haven’t cried.

I don’t want to be known as this women who lost her baby, I know I have said this before but it really does bother me that people will never treat me the same again. It actually makes me sad, I want people to speak to me like they normally would, not use a soft tone or speak quietly to me. Yes we have been to hell and are trying to find our way back but it doesn’t change who we are really, I know I will never be truly who I used to be, I will be a better person, am still me.

I absolutely love my little boy and that will never change, he is the centre of my world and once it stop spinning I am so sure I will realise the reason he was with me for those short 9 months, my little peanut, my little boy. Findley! I miss his little fingers and toes. I still remember them, thinking of holding his little hand makes me smile. I remember how lucky I am to have been able to spend that time with him.

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