Day 18 – Another First, venturing out

Wednesday 1st August 

I have a reason to get up this morning, I am meeting Claire for brunch, this is a big step, I keep speaking to everyone about first.  This experience really is like someone has hit rest on our life, and we have to start all over again.

This will be the first time I have been out without James.  I know I can do it, even if I do feel a little sick.  I think its the unknown, what happens if someone sees me and asks me where my baby is?  What if people see me and they look at me and have the look of sadness.

I text Claire to ask her to let me know when she is leaving, so I am not waiting for her, I tell her am nervous and this is my first trip out without James.  She reassures me not to worry would wait outside for me.

I get in my car and head down, its hard, I feel myself struggle, there are tears there, it goes back to that, I shouldn’t be able to do this, I should be looking after my baby boy.  deep breaths take the waves back below my feet and I am in charge.

I was so glad I went out, it gave me so much power to be able to go and do something myself.  I also loved telling Claire all about Findley and out journey.  I find speaking about him so empowering, I don’t ever want to stop speaking about him, and telling his story.  We also speak about normal things too, which is nice.

I tell Claire how I have no interest in the horses at all, and I have only been to see them twice since Findley died, she understood what I was saying she had an accident that effected her life, and she also lost interest in things, and didn’t want to get out of bed.  Its trauma, its not just grief that I am facing.  She tells me that one day I will wake up and I will want to go and do the things I used to be interested in again.

I think meeting with Claire also helped me realise that I have to try and take back control of whats going on in my life.  I am a total control freak.  its starting to get busy, and I am finding myself looking over my shoulder to see if anyone I know is here.  my anxiety levels are creeping up.  time to head home. I get James a cake and head home, I am such a good wide.

I head to walk the dogs with James in the evening, we also poop up to Findley memorial, I realise I don’t go here much, but I just don’t feel like i have to.  I fell so strong, I ask James if we can go in past co-op, this is a big things for me, I haven’t manage to go into our local shop in over two weeks.  I take a deep breath and head in with James, its really quit so I automatically relax. This is such a big things for me.  I don’t really know if I am taking in whats happening or not.  I feel like I have an ability to remove myself from a situation but be there in person.  I have no idea if this makes any sense to others, but it does to me.

I fell like today has been such a good day, I feel strong, and maybe for the first time in a long time, I see light at the end of the tunnel.  It mile away but a glimmer.