Day 17 – What now?

Tuesday 31st July 

Its two week today since Finley was born, I cant believe how fast time has gone.  I don’t get out of bed till later, I struggle to find motivation to get up.

James and I take the dogs for a walk, I am trying to get keep active, I still remind myself I had a baby two weeks ago, its so easy to forget when there is no baby next to you.

I spend a lot of the day online looking at the SAND forum, am not sure how good this is for me, but I am reading about women who have lost a baby and are now due their rainbow babies.

My mind is dealing with this loss by focusing on the future, I so want more family, I don’t know if I should really mention this as much on here.  I never really shared my want for family with everyone, when I told everyone I was pregnant with Findley I remember people were surprised, and asked if it was planned. Of course it was, I just didn’t feel like sharing how much we wanted family, in case we couldn’t.  I used to say we were to selfish for family and we loved our life how it was.  It wasn’t true it was just what I did to save myself hurt if we couldn’t.  Now I seem to be shouting for the roof tops that we want more family

Rachael keeps telling me the bigger the storm the brighter the rainbow.  I just cant imagine this storm ever clearing.  I flit from future to past to present.

I can honestly lose myself for hours online just searching rubbish, I only read what I want to read as well, which isn’t health either.

I am so glad that its the last day of July, I cant wait to see the back of this month and turn the calendar over.  I had marked a count down to my due date on the calendar and it was killing me looking at it.  I only wrote it the day before Findley died as well.