Day 15 – Rinse and Repeat

Sunday 29th July

Well this is getting a habit I don’t want to get up again today!

I am running over our 37 weeks scan, Peanut hadn’t grown much in nearly 3 weeks. The midwife scanning me said sometimes there better out than in if they aren’t growing, and sent me to see the consultant, who I never saw, I just say a midwife up at the assessment unit who told me zero tolerance for reduced movements and booked us in for a scan in two weeks and a consultant appointment. The receptionist was snippy and told her there was no appointment till the Friday which was nearly 3 weeks, she said it didn’t matter as I would be back before then, as in zero tolerance for reduced movement. Hello I am standing here!! I wish they had given us more info I wish they had said, by the way reduced growth and movement are massive indicators for still birth! She was right though I was back in within the week with reduced movements, but Findley was fine at the tracing.

We head to mums for brunch Errol is there too, it a moment of normality, these are starting to become More often, and I feel guilt for them.

We also head and visit James Mum, it’s nice to get out of the house, I just feel I can’t be with people for too long, it’s like I have a cut of point where I just like to be myself, or with my family.

As I sit in my own head, my stomach flips as I flash back to the midwife not being able to find Findley’s heart beat. That nightmare that was real life.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow am keen to see how I get on. I like to talk and have never been afraid to ask for help. Am so inpatient I want to heel I need to heel, I want my smile back.

I wish I had gotten to see Findley smile, he had my lips I wonder if he would have had my dimples too.