Day 14 – I just want to be a mummy

Saturday 28th July                  

I do not want to get out of bed this morning. Happy ground hog day!!

I don’t want to stay in bed because I want to hide from everyone, and pull the covers over me. It’s because today is just going to be the same as the past week. I have no purpose in life now, my purpose was to be a mummy and now my baby is dead I haven’t got that.

I text my mum and I say to James how I am feeling, I know they won’t let me stay in bed all day. I feel like I need to make
Plans.

James and I agree that we should book a few days away. I half-heartedly agree to it, I don’t really want to go away, but I know we can’t stay in the house for the rest of our life.

Poor James is trying to make plans and I am not interested so stubborn, I refuse to be interested in anything else because I just want to be a mummy. that’s all am I interested in. However I can’t look after my baby because he died, I need to get past this.

It’s the frustration of being unable to do anything, I can’t ride my horses (even if I wanted to) I can’t run, cycle anything. I gave birth to a baby less than two weeks ago, I am still healing.

Not to mention everyone knows about hormones well I still had my post-delivery blues even though I had no baby, so couple that with having lost your first child you can understand why I feel the way I do.

I know Findley was sent to me for a reason.  I realise I haven’t cried today! I need my wee boy to tell me what it is an meant to do!!

I know am not sleeping well, I decided to take some diazepam before I got to bed, I need to sleep I can’t get through this  with no sleep. Mum agreed it’s probably a good idea.  I kiss my wee boys cardigan good night and hope and pray I get some sleep.