Day 13 – The calm after to storm

Friday 27th July 2018

I am woken early by thunder and lightning, James is still asleep and so are the dogs, how am I the only one this has woken. It’s loud but it’s not right over head. I drift in and out of sleep as the thunder rattles. I keep thinking it Findley making the thunder. He’s trying to tell me to stop being so sad for him, he’s telling me to try and be happy to stop hurting. I take hold of his little hat and kiss it, I hear you my wee man.

The thunder is right overhead now and the rain is pounding on the windows, it’s been about an hour since I first heard it, it’s a big storm, James is awake now, we both get up and shut all the windows in the house before the rain gets in.

I try to get back to sleep as the storm rolls away but I just can’t. I had been on the SANDS forum the night before I had gone to sleep, it was such a depressive place everyone is sad and has lot their babies, all I want to hear are happy stories. I pick my phone up to have another google and have a new update. 5 died in RTC on A96, how sad another 5 families loss, for what? Life is to short. What a tragic waste of life.

We head to walk the dogs and I have a missed call from an Aberdeen number. I have a voicemail. It’s the midwife that looked after me during my labour until Rachael arrived. She’s picked up my message from yesterday. I explained the question I have and she’s going to email the consultant. She tells me the Findley has already been discussed at two meetings and that a different consultant has taken over my care. I am so glad because the consultant I had before i knew through work and although passionate about their job, they didn’t have good people skills.

My midwife also texts me she wants to come and visit me today but I am already out with the dogs so she postpones until Monday. I am secretly happy, I know being discharge from the midewife will be the end of my pregnancy journey.

I hope we don’t have to wait to long for our follow up appointment, I think if will help with our closure. Like you can just close of the fact your son died inside your womb, and no one saw it coming.

Googling is becoming a bit of a habit, I don’t know why I seem to get comfort from random threads from 2013 about conception after still birth. Talk about trying to just burry your head. It’s also the fact that google can’t actually answer my questions because no one can this is our journey no ones else, and no one can predict how it will go.