Day 12 – Life – you’re going to be happy, but first I must make you strong.

Thursday 26th July 

Life – you’re going to be happy, but first I must make you strong. Was Findley sent here to make me strong?

I woke up after a night of dreams of what ifs. It’s just torture and totally pointless I know this because I know that nothing will change what happened.

Today am going to meet one of my friends to chat, she had a late medical miscarriage, after speaking to her I hate they call it a miscarriage it was a still broth. She shares a lot of he personal experience with me, I love that she now has two beautiful boys, and is happy. She struggle to get there but she did. I also realise this is the first time I have been out in public without James, although he did drive me down and have breakfast with me, he left after my friend arrived. I could tell he was worried about me. I think he just want to rap me up in cotton wool and take all my pain away.

After meeting my friend we head to Charlotte and Billy’s for lunch. I haven’t seen Charlotte since just after Findley died. We arrived and I can sense she’s a little uneasy. We sit down and she take out some lunch, I am totally not interested in eating, I sit and watch Myla eating her lunch. I realise I will never see Findley eating or smiling and laughing like Myla is. Is hurt thinking this, a deep down pain.

I don’t really think I am in the room, I mean I am there but my mind is a million numbing miles away. We chat away and I join in the conversation half-heartedly. I realise I need to go home, am tired and I think that am on the brink of not coping any more. I say I think it’s time to go, and I wish we had just gotten and left but we didn’t. I feel the tears starting to build, and I am starting to panic, I start crying and I want to go home, I can’t tell you why I am crying but I am, and now I can see choc and Billy are both not sure what to say or do.

We head off, am annoyed am crying and making people feel uneasy.

I spend the rest of the day googling, I phone and leave a message on the greif midwifes phone, we have some questions we want answered, and we got s letter asking us to be involved with how we felt our care had gone.

Thank goodness it’s bed time, googling is exhausting, I am only reading what I want to read as well. I read about people who had babies after still births. My arms ache.

I don’t want to replace you my precious little boy I just have so much love to give.