Wednesday 25th July
Happy due date my little monkey. I wake up after dreaming about Findley, he was sitting in a car seat next to a baby girl. He looked to be more of a toddler now, he has blonde hair and blue eyes. I wonder who the little girl is. I wonder if it my friend Katie’s little baby, she’s due any day too and he might be sending a message.
James wakes up and I tell him if my dream, he says maybe he’s telling you next time we will have a little girl.
Today the undertaker Wendy is coming over with Findley’s ashes, she phoned yesterday to ask if it was okay to pop over today. She’s coming at 10.30, best get dressed.
James begs me to have some breakfast I still see then worry in his face, I am trying to eat, I just am not hungry.
Wendy safely delivers Findley’s ashes, she says there are a lot more than she thought there would be, of course there is did you see the amount of toy that went with the wee man. I joke about a little as I want to make some jewellery out of the ashes and say I will remove them over his tree in case I spill. We thank Wendy for all she did for our wee boy and us.
The ashes being in the house don’t bother me at all, it’s a bit strange I thought it would. I guess I know that Findley isn’t in the box as such, he’s with us all the time. I imagine him sitting on the top window in the sun room looking over us, or outside with James as he kick the ball for the dogs. He is just a part of us and he can be where ever we want him to be.
I realise I have been texting Rachael ever day, I hope am not starting to annoy her. There is something about her being a mummy and having been there when Findley was born that makes me feel like can tell her anything.
James and I speak openly about everything which is fantastic because I would hate to not be able to chat with him. I am such an over thinker, james says to me your just missing Findley being in your tummy. I sure do I miss being Pregnant so much.
Today was as bad a day as I though being my due date, I guess deep down I knew he would never actually arrive on this day, it was only ever a estimate.
We pop up to visit Findley memorial after walking the dogs, I just don’t feel him there at all.