Day 10 – Empty Arms

Tuesday 24th July

I woke up this morning at 5.30am and struggled to get back to sleep, it’s a week since Findley was born. I said I didn’t want to make these days by week but turn out my subconscious has other ideas.

My brain flits from past to present to future.

Its funny how the love and joy I felt when he was born has overwhelmed the sadness of the moment I found out his heart had stopped.

I spent a lot of my time lying awake googling pros and cons of Irish twins. Is it possible to get pregnant again so soon? I can imagine myself with another baby, and a shadow outline of Findley walking beside us as we push the pram.

I also lay thinking about the last real time I can remember feeling him kicking, I think I had it on film, I loved filming him moving around my tummy.

I think about how there is such a long road ahead of me, twists and blind summits.

Once James had woken up I asked if we could go and get a pot for Findley’s memorial. I wanted to plant something to show that this was where his memorial spot was. We would get a stone but for some reason I wasn’t really in a hurry for a stone.

We headed to the garden centre at 9am it will be nice a quite. We find the most adorable blue land rover planting pot, perfect for a wee boy. We wondered around for ages trying to pick what plants to put in it, I joke and say that our mothers who are both keen gardeners will probably be like why did you plant those together? I get two plants one that grows and flower, the other a ground grower. Perfect that will do. We head home and I start planting my wee car. This gives me some focus.

Katie is coming round today to visit to, she’s due soon, I haven’t seen her since the celebration, I am worried for her as her baby hasn’t arrived safely yet. I so want her baby to be here and in her arms.

She arrives round with a carrot cake in arms.  James is away to meet his friend in Inverurie, am glad he’s getting out. I think he feels safe leaving me with Katie there.
I chat away to Katie about how am feeling, I try not to tell her anything that might make her worry. Katie has a miscarriage before this pregnancy, so this is her rainbow baby, she speaks so openly about her miscarriage I know she won’t mind me mentioning it here. It’s not the same as suffering a still birth, but it’s still a loss. She understands my desire to have another baby, she says to me its because it’s the only thing you can do Jan, everything else is out with your control. She’s so right. We chat for what feel like ever, I know she has to go soon. It’s hard seeing her pregnant, a little bit of me is jealous but not of her, I think am jealous of the bump. The feeling doesn’t last long, and I would rather see her than not.

My community midwife is coming round again today, I think she must be planning on discharging me. The conversation we have are nothing like I had expected. In my head before Findley has died I expected to be moaning about being unable to supply enough milk. i so wanted to breast feed. So far our conversations have just been about how I am feeling.

Once she arrives I chat about what happened with Findley am in a better head space to talk now. She asks me about my second episode of reduced movement, both James and I wonder if they should have re scanned me. We always felt like we slipped through the next during the end of my pregnancy my community team were fab, but I never once saw my consultant or even a registrar during any of my visit into town. The what ifs are starting to creep in. They were always telling me how big my baby was, I thought they would have planned to induce me. My midewife seems happy with me and days that she will be back on Friday that will be 10 days and she will discharge me then. I sign slightly am glad I get to see her once more time. She’s the only person I have see with that knew me when Findley when he was both alive and dead.

After she leaves we head out with the dogs and we go to Findley’s memorial to drop of his car. The flowers all still look fab. My Nan has been taking care of them. I know she like to have something to do. James and I sit and chat about Findley, life the future. I worry about James he always has a look in his eye a look of worry for me. Our love for one and other is so deep. I never thought I would meet anyone that loved me as much as he does. It’s completely unconditional. I think in my head I hope this doesn’t distort us.