Day 9 – The Rowan Tree

Monday 23rd July

Rachael is coming round today and so is Rhoda, it’s the first morning in a long time I haven’t woken up crying. I say good morning to my wee boy.

I had suggested James invited his mum over to help plant the willow tree that a friend had gifted us for Findley, we decided to plant it in the back garden so that it is visible from the nursery. I am not green fingered and also I thought it was something nice for James and his mum to do.

James and I take the dogs out before Rhoda arrives, I leave them to it and head to order some pictures of Findley. They have lots of gardening to do including cutting the grass.

I look at  the photos I have of my perfect baby boy, and decided to order three canvases, one for our bedroom, one for the nursery and one for the kitchen. I spend lots of time trying to figure out how to work the website. Once am done I call James in to make sure he’s happy with what I have ordered, they are half price so a total bargain.

Rachael and the girls arrive around 1.30/2pm. It was so nice to see them, Rachael and I sit and chat about how I am feeling, I can’t believe how close Findley has brought us, I only really knew Rachael via James, her husband Paul was James best man, I have relied on her a lot throughout my pregnancy for advice and guidance. I think we have an unbreakable bond now.

We sit out side in the sun and watch James and his Mum plant the tree, Molly, Rachael oldest is helping them, in between asking when we are going to see the ponies. Maggie is just under 1 she’s entertaining herself with a tuna sandwich, I watch her and Molly and my stomach grips hard, I wonder if I will ever have my own children in this garden. I shake the feeling off, I love kids even if they aren’t my own it’s nice to have them here.

Maggie is making her way across the garden to inspect the rowan tree. I have never seen James hold a baby until he held Findley, I always though he was scared of babies. James takes Maggie hands and helps her back across to Rachael and me, my heart aches to see him like this with Maggie, it’s so nice but so sad at the same time, my mind flits go thinking that it should be Findley he is one day doing that with, and it never will be.

I disappear into another world as I think about the what if future, if Findley hadn’t died, I imagined our garden with toys and the dogs playing with our little boy. James teaching him how to walk, how to ride a bike.  I snap back to reality and know that I can’t live in the What if world, it’s to painful there.

Rachael and I take Maggie and Molly up to see the ponies, this is another first for me, there would have been a day when something bad happens the first place I would go would be to my pony. Since Findley has died I couldn’t bring myself to see them. I don’t know why, weather it’s an acceptance thing, weather it’s because I should be taking my son to meet them I don’t know. I just didn’t really want to near them. However I was grateful that Molly was forcing me to face this. It was me who had said I would take them to see the ponies.

When we arrived I took a deep breath and climbed out of the car, the realisation that it was also the first time I had been out of the house without James with me, lots of firsts. The rest button meant I had lots of these to deal with now. I take Rachael and Molly into the field and grab a head collar to her Roxy, I walk to the gate and she instantly come to me. I take hold of her and just start to cry. I don’t know why am crying, am I crying for Findley or for me? Am I crying because I didn’t get what I want? I wanted my baby boy and my family!

As I feel the waves washing over me I realise I have to try and get above them, take a deep breath and take Roxy out of the field so Molly can meet her. Thankfully it doesn’t take long for the wave to be below me again.  I spend the next 15/20 mins showing Molly how to brush and feed Roxy, it was nice to be distracted by something. I pick Molly up and get her to give Roxy a scratch. Before we pop her back in the field and head back to the house.

I stand and say to Rachael that I just want to have more babies, she tells me if that’s the way I feel than just follow your heart.

Once we get back to the house it’s almost time for Rachael to head home, before she goes I show her the nursery. I stand and explain how I don’t want to get ride of anything. I want to keep it all for Findley’s little brother or sister. She says to just do what I want, James and I would have kept it all anyway. I hope that I don’t change my mind and want to get rid of it at some point. I love the nursery and I have no problems being in it, it doesn’t make me sad or cry. It’s a room for our babies.
IMG_3421Rhoda heads off not long after Rachael, we offer to cook tea but I think she wants to give us some time. Thankfully there isn’t much cooking tonight Rachael and Paul go the rescue as we cook one of the cottage pies they had gotten for us last week.
The evening feels more normal, more relaxed. I wonder to myself if there will ever be a day I don’t cry? I really was never s big crier before this. Not that I have a problem with crying I just don’t like being sad.

The hours have dispersed again, and I head to bed, I hope to dream, to dream of a future with my husband and more children!!

I kiss Findley’s little hat goodnight! I do love you so much! Why are you not here!

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