Day 8 – Trying to carry on…

Sunday 22nd July 2018

I woke up but I couldn’t get out of bed, I just lay for a while.  Mum and my grandparents were still in the house, I liked them being close, but I knew that my grandparents would be leaving soon to head back to Orkney, I was so glad that they had come down for the celebration, and it didn’t feel right thinking they wouldn’t be there.

I had a shower and got dressed, I headed down stairs to spend some time with them before they left, they left shortly after, mum was busy making breakfast, and Errol and Steph were coming round for breakfast.  I had an idea in my head, I had, had the idea for a few days.

I always wanted a Pandora bracelet since we had gotten one for James mums birthday, I had planned to get one once peanut had arrived.  So now Findley was here, I decided to buy myself one, a present form my son to me.  There was a problem the only way to get one was to go into union square to the shop.  It was a week to the day that we had last been in there, and that was the day we had found out that Findley had died.  So I sat for a moment, did I want to go back to the shops 7 days to the day, then I thought to myself, I can’t spend the rest of my life saying I can’t go to union square on a Sunday, so I had decided we would go in.  I said to James and he seemed happy too.  However now I had this idea in my head, I had to go and do it.  I just wanted to go straight in and back out again, I had a plan.

James drove in and when we arrived it was a little strange but we managed, I had a small laugh with James that when I had been in here last week people had moved out of me and my bumps way.  When I get to Pandora I show the shop assistant the charms that I want.  I take a deep breath and tell her that the bracelet is for my beautiful son who has died.  She is amazing and spend lots of time with us, helping me pick the correct charms to represent my son.  As we chat she tells me she a student, I ask her what she studies, and my heart skips a beat as she tells me she a student nurse, how small a world it was meant to be.

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After spending a small fortune, we then went to boots, and I braved the baby isle for some “women” items.  It’s a bit shit really that they put the maternity pads in with the baby items.  No all women who need theses have babies.

I felt so strong I said to James that I would manage ASDA, so we head to asda, I instantly regret my decision once I am in the shop, I feel anxious, there are to many people in here.  I loss James for a second and my heart skips a beat.  I don’t know how I will servive this.  I have always been an anxious kind of person, and I don’t like busy parties where I don’t know anyone, but this was a new kind of anxious feeling, I was really struggling to keep it together.

Again I find myself in the baby ilse looking for Maternity pads, I hadn’t found the ones I wanted in boots, I felt strong being in there, but I could feel my mind wondering, looking at the items, knowing my baby boy will never need any of these items.

We decided to get some food, knowing when we got home, there wouldn’t be anyone else in our house. I reached out to pick up some juice I loved when I was pregnant, I just couldn’t bring myself to buy it, the memory of it being a craving I guess hit hard.

Once we left ASDA I cried, I had felt so strong but ASDA had been my tipping point.  It didn’t take long before I was back above the waves of grief, we headed to Rhoda to see her on the way home.  She knows me to well and cut up a tray bake into small squares to try and get me to eat something.  Eating just want high on my priorities.

I kept remembering that I had spent the last at least 3 months eating and drinking for Findley, and every time I eat or drank he would give me a wee reminder he was there, now there was nothing.  I didn’t want the reminded that I am no longer pregnant, and I can’t feel my baby move.

We head home and pick the dogs up head for a walk then pick up at takeaway before getting ready to watch the F1.  This had become a tradition over the past few months for James and I to sit down on a Sunday together to enjoy.  So I guess a little bit of normality, which let’s face it we haven’t had for a week.  As we sit down and turn the TV on I just start to cry, this isn’t right, I shouldn’t be sitting here with my salt and pepper chicken watching F1 without my baby either in my tummy, or screaming his little new born lungs out.  It not fair. James comforts me again, he is my rock, I don’t even know how I would still be alive without him next to me.  We both agree it shit, and Findley should be here.  Errol pops round at the wrong time, I feel bad as something he says sets me off again, and am crying, he thinks its him, I can see him hurting for me.  It’s nice to see him, we never had much of a relationship before now, I can see how much love he has for me.

Once Errol has left we finish dinner, and I cuddle up to James to watch the rest of the F1, I fall asleep on James.

I am still so tired, the last week is catching up with me, I try to stay up later so that I can spend time with James, I don’t really like to be myself just now, and we head to bed and cuddle up.  I head to the Nursery, shut the window, James had opened it in the morning, and we have gotten into a wee bit of a habit now.  Night my wee boy, I love you.

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