Saturday 21st July 2018
I wake up early, I make James a coffee and have a shower today, is the day. I hold Findley’s little cardigan, I hold it to my face and kiss it, I love you little boy, please give me the strength to get me through today. Today is your day.
Zandra is coming to do my makeup, it’s the first time I have seen her since the day after Findley was born in the hospital, she came in and I could tell her heart was broken, I could see the pain deep inside her for my little boy. We hardly speak as she does my makeup, I am trying really hard to stay strong, Leah arrives to do my hair for me, I see her and tears fill my eyes, I try hard to hold it together. Zandra finishes my makeup and heads off, she had to go to her mums before heading to Buckie Crem for Findley’s celebration.
Leah has been with me on my journey from 6 weeks pregnant, I told her as I wanted to make sure it was okay still to do my hair. She’s always asking how am doing and she cared so much about buba as she called peanut. I chat away the best I can as she blow dries my hair, I wanted to look as good as possible for my little boy today. I ask her what it’s like to give birth to a live baby, she said to me, that feeling you had, that unconditional love when they place your baby in your arms, that’s how it feels, and it’s no different. I feel my eyes tear up, Leah just knew what to say, and it was the perfect response. I share photos with Leah and I tell her all about Findley. Once she finishes my hair she head to work, she won’t take any pennies from me either, peoples kindness it amazing. People want to do all they can to support us.
I go upstairs to get dressed, I hear that tick tock again, I come down stairs and Kim has arrived to take the dogs, I was so grateful Kim and Kelly agreed to take all 4 dogs for the day for us, it took off so much stress. He see us and gives us his condolences and a hug, I think how amazing it is how people just do anything to help people in these situations, then I remember that I would be the same.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, everyone is in the house now, all the families, both mine and James. Everyone is so sad, no more tears I tell myself not today, be strong for your little boy. I head upstairs to the bathroom, I realise that once I come back down the stair my little boy will be outside and it will be time to go, can we freeze time? I don’t think I want to say good bye, then I remind myself this is for Findley, he deserve this celebration.
I come down stairs and the front door is open, I look out and see the car, and Wendy and john are there. Its time! I feel the tears in my eyes, I look at James and I think we silently nod at each other, this is for our boy. Wendy asks if we are ready, yes, we are ready, it’s time to celebrate our little boy. We climb into the car and everyone else gets ready to leave. I am in this car with black windows I look across the road, I wonder if they know what has happened, I hadn’t really told anyone that wasn’t in my inner circle. The house just across have just had a baby, I think how lucky they are to have their baby screaming in their house.
We head on our first and last car journey with our little boy, not in his little car seat as I thought it would be, but he lay between us in his forever cot, I had taken his little blue cardigan with me, I lay it across his name plate, and James and I place our hands on top of it. As we pass the Garden centre, I start to cry, I am so sorry my little boy I will never be able to take you there for a scone with Zandra, Daddy and me will never push you on a swing. I swing back and forth between the here and now and what I had hoped for.
John had married James and I and on our wedding day it hard been thunder storms everywhere but at our wedding, I said to John, it might be raining now, but once this is finished it will be sunny and it will be a wonderful day. We reminisced about our wedding day.
I want this journey to last forever, but its not and as we turn up the Buckie road I look behind us to see a row of cars, I recognise some of them will be coming to Findley celebration, not just the cars we are aware of but there are more. Once we arrive at the crematorium, I start to cry again, I feel my breath catch in my throat. We are here, this is it, I don’t know if I can do this, why am I having to say good bye to my little boy. As we pull up outside the door, I see people start to gather behind the car, they are obviously getting ready for the service, everyone is standing, everyone is so sad, please don’t be sad for us, please don’t cry for our little boy. Wendy and John leave us in the car, we have music we made on, I listen to the words, and I run through the reality of what is happening.
Everyone is going into the old church now, I can see them, I realise that this it now, we will be going in soon. Wake up, it’s time to wake up, none of this is really happening I scream inside my head. It’s not a dream though, my son is dead, and this is his celebration, this is farewell but not good bye.
Wendy opens the door and tell us its time, I don’t even know if she said anything or if she just nods at us, she probably does ask if we are ready. I turn to James, are you ready I ask him, will we ever be ready to send our little boy’s body on its way to meet his spirit and soul. We get out of the car, John hands me a tissue, Wendy hands James dad Findley’s forever cot, and he carries him in, as we walk into the old church, our first dance song comes on, like you couldn’t have even planned it any better. Everyone stands up, I can’t make eye contact with anyone, but I can hear the tears, everyone is crying. Please don’t cry I keep thinking please don’t cry for my little boy, help us celebrate how lucky we are that he was in our life. We walk in and sit down, James sets Findley down in front of us on a little table.
John does an fantastic job with the service, he light a candle for my boy, both Errol and Me have a reading, am not sure how I will cope, but I stand up there and I read my poem, without a hesitation or a tea, I am so proud of myself, I am so proud I could do this for my little boy.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Errol also does a fantastic job reading a poem that he wrote himself for Findley. I am so proud of my brother’s strength and love through this whole journey. I never thought he would had so much love for my little boy.
To my gorgeous nephew Findley
It’s not time to say goodbye
But a time to celebrate our love
as you have taken to the sky
You got your wings to early
But you will never leave my heart
I will love you always “wee man”
With your memory I won’t part
Today I stand here proudly
With your family o so dear
We will celebrate you always,
Each and every year
You were taken far to early
A pain we wish we didn’t have to know
But a perfect boy born sleeping
We will always love you so much.
We also played a song and ask everyone to join in, James wasn’t sure about my song choice but Vera Lynn, We’ll meet again, I truly believe that we will meet our little boy again.
Once the service was over, everyone was asked to leave whist the family had some time with Findley. We sat for a minute before I got up and handed out the yellow roses to everyone, they were everyone to give one to Findley, I placed mine on top of his forever cot, I told him how much I loved him, and how sorry I was that he had to go, I asked him to be safe, and to take care of us and watch over us.
I all of a sudden felt like there was a weight lifted from my shoulders, I kept saying to my mum and James, Its okay, its all okay now. I think it was the realisation that we had given out little boy the best possible journey we could have given him, we had cared for him, made sure he met as many people as possible, felt as much love as possible, and made to fell as special as possible.
We left the old church, and everyone was waiting outside, I thanked everyone for coming, I managed to be strong as other cried. I saw Katie my friend who was due just 5 days after me, I give her the biggest hug and rub her bumps, I couldn’t believe she had come it must had been so hard for her to come with her baby still not safely into this world as yet. I saw Charlotte and Myla her little girl I took her and gave her a cuddle. I was so glad I could still cuddle babies.
We headed back to mums and the sun was shining, I knew it was now time that I had to share our news on social media, it was going to have to happen at some point, I had written something earlier in the week. I had also set up a just giving page to raise money for the unit who supported me through Findley’s birth. So I took a deep breath and posted our news onto facebook. I asked everyone to not be sad for my little boy, but to raise a glass to him, and send me a photo.
I spend the afternoon speaking to everyone, I was so tired, and I had forgotten that I had only gone through labour 4 days earlier. I didn’t cry for the rest of the day, I chatted with people about babies and having more family, about being strong. Everyone told us how amazing we were doing, I don’t know what other way to be. It’s what parents do isn’t it? They stay strong for their children.
I enjoyed my afternoon and it took a lot of my anxiety of seeing people away. I couldn’t believe the amount of people there to support us. I chatted for a long time about the future, because that where I see us happy again. We so longed for a family, and we have a family, but it’s just that our little boy isn’t with us. My arms longed for a baby in my house.
Once everything was done we headed up to Findley’s memorial we bought a site at a local cemetery for him so we had somewhere to go, it was nice his flower where there, and we all laid down our red roses. For the first time I looked around my family and close friends and saw the immense sadness. How can one little boy effect some many people when he never drew breath on this earth.
We headed home to our house, my mum, grandparents, brother and Steph, thankfully Racheal had taken us food, and we had a massive cosco pizza to cook for our tea. We all sat and toasted our son, ate some food and discussed the future. All I could think about what how much I wanted more family.
I take Findley’s little cardigan give it a cuddle and a kiss and say goodnight and I love you. Thank you for making me feel so a peace today.