Trigger Warning Day 6 -Day of Rest

Friday 20th July 2018

I wake again and I am crying, I run over what has happened in my head, my baby is dead, and am not pregnant any more.  I know I have to stay strong.  The minister is coming over today to discuss the celebration tomorrow.  I take hold of Finldey’s cardigan next to my bed, and give it a cuddle, give me strength to get through today please little one.

It was nice to see John again, it brought me comfort. We spoke through what we had planned with Wendy, and spoke about readings that both my brother and I wanted to do.  James dad was going to carry Findley in as he never got a chance to hold him.  John also told us some stories which although had nothing to do with Findley kept us in the here and now, and gave us some comfort.  We prayed for Findley it brought me peace.

We decided to go and see Findley in the rest rooms, I think James and I were both nervous of how he would look.  We didn’t need to worry, he looked just perfect, so much a peace.  When he had been born he had been the spit of his dad, but now as he lay in his forever cot he just looked like my double, I laughed as I tell

him, he had gotten his mums resting bitch face, I swear he was so comfortable in his forever cot, I could just hear him saying don’t dare wake me I am so comfortable.  All his toy around him.

James and I added some photos to go along with him, some wedding photos, and ones of the horses, and dogs that he never got to meet.  We cry at the fact our dreams have been crushed.  We shared stories with Findley of the photos and where they were taken, we told him about his trip to New York, and how his big sister Rosie would steam all his toys, and big brother Robbie would guard him.

We left the room, and I knew I had to go back again, Steph was picking up more photos on the way out from town for us so we would have more stories to tell Findley before he goes.

Catherine comes over to do my nails, I want them as colourful as possible for the celebration tomorrow.  I can sense she doesn’t know what to say, but I want to go back and see Findley, I ask Catherine if she can come back later, I know how cheeky this sounds as she is doing me a favour, but I feel like time is running out, that tick tock of the clock that started on Tuesday when we left for the hospital is louder now.  She agrees to come back at 7pm, I could have just kissed her.

I don’t want to keep Wendy waiting, we head back down to see Findley, my mum, Brother and Steph have already been to see him, this is the last time I will see my little boys face.  I know this, and it hurts.  This isn’t fair, this is so not fair.  We walk in to his little room again, it’s called north, and is obviously for babies/children as it just a little room.  I run my fingers across the lid of his little white forever cot, there is a silver plaque on the on it, Findley. J. W. Law. My little boys name.  Such a precious name.  We tell Findley some more stories, I try to let James tell them, am such a yap, I know he had things he wants to tell his little boy. Once we are finished I bend over my little boy’s in his forever cot, and kiss him for the last time, my heart breaks again.  I tell him he will never be alone, and he truly spoilt.  There are some many children in this world who haven’t even experienced half the love that my little boy has.  Good bye my little man, until tomorrow.

Once we leave his room, I look at his flowers on outside, Trina who had done our wedding flowers had made a little version of my wedding flowers for my little boy, I had also put one of my wedding roses into his forever cot with him.  She had done such a fantastic job.  There are extra red roses, and yellow ones for us to give Findley tomorrow.

We thank Wendy, she shows us the order of service it’s just perfect, and the photos for tomorrow.  I can’t thank her enough for all the support she has given our family.  She says she will see us tomorrow, 9.30am.  We are travelling up with Wendy, John and Findley in the car, I was so glad to hear he won’t be on his own in a big hearse, he’s so little.  Wendy asks if she can put the lid on his forever cot, I feel a lump in my throat, I look at James and we both agree, no one else had planned to come and see him tonight, and he would be nice and cosy with all his friends in his forever cot.

Once I got home, Errol is cooking tea, and Catherine arrives to do my nails, I try to chat but I can tell she’s not sure what to say.  I have a message from someone I was buying a nappy bin from, I had totally forgotten, I reply to her and tell her the sad news of my baby and apologise for wasting her time, to my surprise she tells me that she too had a still birth, she messages me back and forth and shares her story, and tells me of her rainbow baby she now has, this give me strength.  Catherine dose a fantastic job, she won’t take any money from me, and so I give her a bottle of prosecco and ask her to raise a glass to my son.

Errol, Mum, Steph, James and I sit down for some food, I try to eat a little something, Errol is still taking the piss out of mum for her soup the night before.  Once we have finished dinner I sit with Mum and Steph and speak, when the boys watch some golf, we share life stories. I know I am tired, and I need to go to bed, but I know what tomorrow brings, its good bye to my beautiful boy’s body.  I go to bed, and have a little cry, I have to sleep, and tomorrow is a day of strength.

I head upstairs and shut the nursery window, good night wee man, I love you.

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