Day 5 – Stillbirth Certificate

Thursday 19th July 2018

I woke up crying, my baby was dead, and I was no longer pregnant.  I knew I had to get up and get going, mum was still staying with us, and we were missing the dogs.  James asked him mum to take them over for us that day it was too quite without them.

I get up and go into the Nursery to open the window to allow Findley to come and go as he wishes to and from the house.

Today is a busy day, we must first go and register Findley still birth.  Mum comes with James and me, I still feel numb, and tears roll down my face as we drive down to Inverurie, we shouldn’t be doing this.  The registrar is cold, I guess they deal with this all the time, I guess it’s not nice for them either.  She asks me how to spell my baby boys name, and she asks if we want an extract.  She also asks if this is the first time this has happened to me.  Seriously first time, I wonder how women cope if this happens to them multiple times.

Mum and James head to M&S to order sandwiches for after Findley’s celebration, there are over 50 people invited to our private service, but we aren’t predicting many will come back to mums, we didn’t want a wake at a hotel it just didn’t seem right.  However my mum and Rhoda were arranging the food, I think they liked to be busy, and kept going.  I sit in the car as James and mum go into the store, I sit and watch the world go by,  without a doubt the first thing I see is a pregnant women, then a women with a small toddler holding their hand skipping, then a women with a pram.  None of this makes me sad, I sigh a sigh of relief, so I can cope with seeing women and babies and baby bumps.  James and mum come back and we head back to home.

The undertaker was coming round today we needed to get things sorted for Findlay’s celebration.  I had only met Wendy when she had collected Findley but I liked her, she had a nice way about her, she made me feel at ease.  We spoke about everything we needed and she needed photos quickly for the order of service.  Mum went to get some photo frames and a candle, I also wanted a saint Christopher to go with Findley to keep his body safe on his travels.

We sort out the little things, and James and I start to pick songs for the celebration. It gives us something to do, time starts to move again, my Nan came round with some of Findlay’s clothes we chat for a while.

My community midwife came to visit me today, it was nice to see her, and she’s the only link I have to health care that knew me when my baby was both alive and dead.  She tells me am doing well, I show her some photos of Findley and tell her all about the labour, she says am amazing.  My friend Charlotte arrives at the same time, my midwife knows Charlotte she had picked up her preeclampsia in her pregnancy and admitted her to hospital.  Charlottes little one is nearly a year old. Charlotte sees me and starts crying, I stay strong, this seems to be my go to emotion, I comfort others as they cry for my son, I don’t know why, Findley is obviously giving me the strength to do this.  I see tears in my midwifes eyes as well, I think that a baby dying affect everyone.  It’s just sad.  My midwifes tells me of a women she has recently discharged who had a still birth like Findley and has just had her second baby. I love a positive story. My hear longs for a baby.

Rhoda and Aileen drop my puppies of, it’s to quite without them.  Wendy called to say that Findley was now in Insch if I wanted to go and see him, we decided not to, we hadn’t planned on.

Before I know it, it’s the evening, Mum is making tea, and I try and eat a little something, before going to bed. We laugh at Mums cooking, Errol is taking the piss as he says it’s like soup.  I am still tired, so tired, and nothing really interests me.

I go to bed, I have Findley’s cardigan next to the bed, I give it a cuddle and a kiss and say goodnight, and I love you.  James said he shut the nursery window, we laughed as I agreed that 10pm was late enough for our wee boy to be out and about.

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