Trigger Warning Day 4 – Ticktock goes the clock

Wednesday 18th July 2018

By 4am, everyone had left except for mum, Rachael came in for her turn for a cuddle, and she put Findley into a cold cot, the room was so hot, and with everyone cuddling him, I think it was starting to effect his little face.  Rachael headed home,  I didn’t really want her to go, I just had no words of how special it had been that she had been there for us and our little boy.  It made memories forever that we would share.  She will always be a massive part of our lives. mum went to leave too, I asked her to stay, I was scared that I might need her again.  James and me cuddled up on the hospital bed and spent the night looking over Findley, I would feel James every now and again peering over me and looking at our perfect son lying in his mosses basket.  He was just so perfect.

We didn’t sleep much I spent most of the night just starting at my baby boy, etching his little face into my brain.  At 7am I got up to go to the bathroom, and everyone else woke, it was another busy day ahead,  I had invited more friends into see Findley, and it was his christening today.

Angela one of the midwifes was amazing, she spent so much time with Findley taking hand and foot prints and dressing him into his Peter rabbit outfit.  I stayed with him and spoke with her and Findley.  It was such a precious time, it felt like hour and hours but I don’t think it was long.  We took lots more photos, Angela said she had a friend with a still born and it had made her realise what was important to parents and the little things that really mattered.  They took locks of hair, and we kept all his clothes from the night before.  I don’t think I will ever have enough words to thank Angela.

People came and went thought the day, it was amazing the energy in the room, he was christened, and we celebrated our baby boy.  It was so special. I knew that as time ticked on that soon Findley would need to go, he couldn’t stay with us for ever.  Wendy the undertaker had called, and she would be for Findley at 4pm that seemed like ages away but I knew time would fly.  Lots of people cried when they visited, but I tried so hard to stay strong for my boy.  It strange to explain but the still birth of my son was the best and worst few days of my life.

As time pasted James and I held our boy watching time tick away.  We had to fill in some forms, and sing some stuff, then 4pm was there and Wendy had arrived to take my little boy in his travel cot.  My heart broke all over again, but I knew we had to do this, he had to go and be cool, he couldn’t stay with us, we couldn’t drag out his time on this earth, I had pushed that his celebration was before the next week, I wanted his body to be with his soul.  We rapped him in a new blanket, placed him into his travel cot, with all his friends that had been given to him. So many teddies, such a spoilt little boy.  Wendy closed the lid and they left.  I was so glad that it was Wendy taking my boy, it felt like it was right a women was taking care of my little baby, I don’t know if that sounds sexists and I don’t really care if it does.  It was just comforting.  I can’t remember if I cried or not, I have probably shut it out, but once he had gone, I knew we needed to sort our stuff out and head home too.  We packed all our memories up and we took our memory box and bags and left.

I was so glad that I had chosen for Findley not to go to the hospital mortuary, I worried that the bad souls would get Findley and take him in the wrong direction, I knew the type of souls that went through the mortuary.

We stopped at Rhoda’s on the way home to see the dogs, I just wanted a puppy cuddle.  We didn’t stay long, and then we headed home, leaving the dogs with Rhoda.  I was so tired, I had taken some Diazepam before leaving the hospital to try and help with the trauma.  I got in mums car to head home, and I was sound asleep by the time we got past Inverurie, we got home, I got out of the car walked up stairs and lay on top of my bed, I slept for over 12 hours, with mum waking me up once to have a drink and got to the bathroom.

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