Trigger Warning Day 3 – Happy Birthday

Tuesday  17^th  July

I woke up  it was 10 am, I was so glad I could go back to hospital, I asked mum to phone them, she did, she had also had contact from my midwife.  There was a problem, we couldn’t go back to hospital, one they had no room for us, and secondly they wanted me to wait 72 hours, not 48 hours.  It broke my heart, there was no way I would survive another day and night of this torture.  I can only describe it as torture, I was still pregnant but I knew my baby was dead.  Inside me, peanut was dead, but I still carried them inside me.

Mum explained to my community midwife what was going on, she said to leave it with her, and asked if I would like her to visit, I thought there was no harm.  Within 30 mins the ward had phoned mum and said the Doctors where happy for me to come in and be induced, but they still had no room, but they would by 2 pm.  That was fine, it gave me a time line.  I got up and showered, again I looked down at my beautiful perfect bump and cried, how it could be that my baby was dead.  I got out of the shower, and sat on the bathroom floor crying, James and mum came in, they thought I had fallen.  They looked so worried, why were they worried, what worst could happen, our baby was dead.

I started to sort out my hospital bag, I only needed a few things, I didn’t need any of my feeding bras, or all the baby clothes, I had two outfits I took with me, one for a boy and one for a girl, I had only gotten them on the Thursday prior for taking baby home.  Rhoda hand washed them and dried them, my mum watched as I broke my heart trying to pack what I needed and unpack all I had planned.  She left to go home, I knew it because she needed to cry, and how I had stayed strong for Laurie, mum was staying strong for me.  The ward called me to tell me they now had a room for me, and I could come in when ever I wanted.  I knew now that the clock had started, I knew once my babies “coming home outfits” were ready then we would head into hospital.

My community midwife arrived around lunch time, I can’t really remember what we spoke about, I just remember telling her that it was so hard because I knew my baby was dead, but I was still pregnant.  All the time sitting on the sofa, I knew I was in early labour I was having contraction in my back.

Rhoda came in and said that the clothes were dry, I turned to James and my mum and said it was time to go in.  We climbed into my mums car and headed into hospital.  I sat in the back with James, I really couldn’t be away from him for long.

I don’t remember the journey in, I cried, I know that, we arrived at the hospital and mum parked the car, we climbed out and headed for Rubislaw. Just then I saw my colleagues heading to my office, I knew at that moment I was so glad that I had told my boss what had happened, as when he saw me I could see his heart breaking for me, I was crying I could not speak to him, I was just focused on getting into the ward.

When I arrived into the ward, I introduced myself, and instantly the tone of the nurses changed, it was a comforting tone, she took my into my room, and explained what was going to happen, she took bloods, and a urine sample, I hadn’t eaten or drunk in two days, so I knew I was going to need fluids to get through this labour.

She did my first examination and gave me the first lot of drugs, she told me Racheal was on her way in and that she would look after me until she arrived.  I got some pain killers and some anti sickness, I lay on my side and got a sleep all the time holding James hand as he stroked my head.  The doctor came in took some more bloods and put a venflon in.  They started my fluids, I could feel the contractions starting, I was 1cm dilated already I thought this was positive.  I got up and decided I needed to get on the ball to get things moving.

Rachael arrived, and as soon as she walked into my room something changed, I relaxed, I knew that she would look after me.  She placed her hand on my stomach I was having contractions in my back, I had mum with a hot pack on my back and James in front of me as I bounced on the ball.  Rachael left the room I don’t even know for how long, but my contractions really changed.  They started coming just one after the other, wow so this is labour right here.  I asked Rachael for some pain relief, once she came back, I asked for gas and air.

It was 8.30pm and I was due my next lot of medication for induction.  I asked Rachael to examine me as well.  However we had to wait until we got to a point in my contractions that I could move of the ball.  I remember crying very briefly once  I started using the gas and air, and I cried for my baby, I said peanut your going to help me get thought this, I know you are here with me.

Rachael examined me and I was 4cm, I couldn’t believe that was it, its was 9pm, only 4cm, but I wanted to push.  Rachael told me to go with my body, but if I was going to push then I needed to open my pelvis.  It was like murder lying on my back waiting for the medication to dissolve, all I wanted to do was get onto my knees.

After 20 mins I would get onto my knees, I felt like I was climbing a mountain but I so wanted to be on my knees.  Just because my baby was dead didn’t mean I didn’t want to stick to my birth plan as much as possible.  Yes I could have had lots more pain relief but I didn’t want it, I wanted to feel labour, I had waited 9 months for this.  Once I was on my knees I started my deep yoga breathing, I knew I didn’t need to push I just needed to sigh my breath away, I could hear Louise in my head.

I was so sure at one point I said I couldn’t do it anymore,  I could hear James, and Rachael speaking to me, I knew that my baby would be here soon, and within 10 mins of being on my knees my baby was here, my beautiful perfect baby boy. Findley James Wishart Law, born at 10pm on 17^th July 2018, only my baby would be born on an hour.

I didn’t even know his heart wasn’t beating nor did I care, all I wanted to do was hold my baby boy, and I did, I help him right against my skin, I hugged him and kissed him and I felt that love, that love that only a mother has for their child.

I was scared to wash and dress him, scared I would hurt him, I asked my mum to help Rachael do it.  Both James and my mum had some skin to skin time with Findley, I knew people would be to visit soon, I wanted to have a shower before they arrived, and I also wanted to have Findley ready for visitors, I remember Aileen and Rhoda had come to visit when I had been in Labour, no one expected me to deliver Findley as soon as I had.  I had asked mum to phone everyone and ask them to come in, I knew our time with our boy was limited.

After I had showered I went to watch mum and Rachael bath Findley, however once I started to watch, I just couldn’t not get involved, and we ended up bathing him together, and dressing him, his skin was so delicate.  I asked mum to get James, as I knew he would regret if he wasn’t involved.  It such an amazing time.  I was caring for my baby, and it might sound sad, but it wasn’t, not even one little bit.

People arrived, and there was lots of cuddles and photos of Findley family and friends, it was just as if he had been born with his heart still beating, I remember one or two people who came to visit crying, but I don’t think I ever found it sad, I had so much love for my little baby boy, and I couldn’t do more for him, to make sure his time on this earth was the best it could be.