Trigger Warning Day 2 – The World Spins on…

Monday 16th July

James arrives, Zandra asks if she should leave, I don’t want her to, I ask if she will wait, whilst the midwife speaks to us.  I know what coming, am not stupid, I am going to have to give birth to my baby.  Little did I know that it wouldn’t be straight away.

The midwife explains to me that she will give me one tablet that naturally reduced pregnancy hormones, as if I am going into labour, then in 48 hours I will then be induce.  I seemed to be okay with this, James asked if they couldn’t just do a c section, I knew that wasn’t a good idea for me or future babies.  The midwife tells me that the room I am in now, is my room until my baby arrives, and I can come and go as I please, she says I can stay or go home.  I longed to have  James arms around me, I chose to take the first tablet and to head home.  I call my mum, she in at Stonehaven, I asked her to meet me at James mum.

We arrive at Rhoda’s and James sister and partner are already there, it so sad, everyone is so sad, I am sad, I had cried when I had seen James, and I could still feel tears, but I was still so numb, I sat down on the sofa, and James just held me as I cried.  My mum arrived, and that was it the gates opened and I started to sob, my poor baby.

I longed to be at home in my bed with James holding me, it was nearly 4/5am before we left Rhodas, mum came with us.  We got mums car on the way, Rhoda had agreed to join us in an hour or so, and mum came back to our house.  I made some phone calls to tell my closest friends what had happened.  I asked mum to tell the Family.  Those words, I have some sad new, we found out that babies heart has stopped beating, hes still with me, he will hopefully arrive in this world in the next few days.  After this We headed straight to bed.

The next 24 hours to be the worst 24 hour of my life.  I lay in bed with James, holding me tight and I fell asleep.  Not for long before I woke up crying, everyone is in the house now, Rhoda and my mum, I roll over, and I feel my baby roll, I know that feeling the same as the one the night before, I just start to scream and cry.  My heart is breaking, I am still pregnant but my baby is dead, I can still feel peanut move.  My baby, my poor baby, my mum and James comforted me, I spend the next 12 hours in between wake and screaming, every time I woke up I remember my baby was dead.  When I wasn’t crying or sleeping I was making phone call to tell people what had happened.  Every time I told someone it became more real.

I remember it rained on the Monday, it rained hard, and it hadn’t really rained for weeks, it had been such a long hot dry summer.

It might sound morbid, but I had to start to plan my babies funeral, I asked mum to contact our minster, and the funeral directors, there was only one certain outcome in this situation and that was that my baby was dead, and for one minute I was not leaving him on this earth for longer than they needed to be,  I would make sure they had the most respectfully time on this planet.  It also gave us something to do.

The GP came and gave me some diazepam to help me.  I knew I would probably need this. I only got about 2 hours of sleep if that, she came back and visited again, I thought to myself, so this is what service you get when your baby dies.  I decided I needed to have a shower and get up, I don’t even know what time of day it was, I had a shower, it killed me looking down at my baby bump, I ran my hand over peanut, and screamed, my baby is dead.  I came down stairs and the house was full of people, everyone was there, it was an amazing atmosphere, everyone cooking and chatting and trying to help each other, I didn’t really pay much attention.

I remember saying to James I wish I knew what sex our baby was, because I had always thought it was a boy, and called peanut a him, I thought how could I now not know, I couldn’t.  Next to time we need to find out the sex.

My friend Laurie visited, she was so upset, I stayed strong for her, I could see her heart breaking, Peanut was as much her family as mine.  She was one of the first people I told I was pregnant.  Once she left I lay down, I was so pregnant still, and so uncomfortable, I lay on the sofa on James, I didn’t want to be away from him, I just needed him close to me.

Time passed, people spoke to me they hugged me, I couldn’t tell you what people said or did, it was such a blur, I just lay on James lap.  My dogs there too. I was starting to have contractions, I had been having them in the morning on the way home, I had actually had some the night before when we had been heading into the hospital, I just did realise what they were.  Mum was timing them, I was praying that peanut would help out and make an entrance on their own, and I knew induction would not be pleasant.  Racheal had messaged me, she had offered to deliver our baby, I couldn’t think of anyone else I would want there, she couldn’t promise but she said if she could be there she would.

We went to bed, the night passed slowly, my contraction made me cry with pain, with every contraction I felt my baby move, I screamed why my baby, what did I do, why did it have to be us. James lay next to me, I knew he had to sleep we had such a hard time ahead of us.  I wasn’t going to wait the 48 hours I decided I was going back in on the Tuesday at 24 hours.   I had more diazepam and tried to sleep, mum climbed in behind me and held me still so that I couldn’t move, every time I moved my baby moved and I screamed.

I have no idea how awake I was and how much sleep I got, it felt like it was all a dream, nothing was real, how could it be.

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