Friday 24th August It was around 3 am before I got to sleep this morning. I asked Findley to help me relax and recharge. As soon as I did I felt an instant calmness over me. I was trying really hard to focus on happy places trying to get to sleep, but kept circle round... Continue Reading →

Thursday 23rd August I don't want to get up today, actually I don't want to even wake up today. I want to dream of the possibilities my life holds, that isn't as dark as being here in the here and now. I am meant to be meeting Steph for brunch but I just can bring... Continue Reading →

Wednesday 22nd August My poor brain, I am not allowing it any down time this afternoon. I had a really strange dream last night, surprisingly enough it was about a baby, but this time I wasn't me I was a man. very weird. I met Fee today for a bike run, I bought my road... Continue Reading →

Tuesday 21st August Findley was in the nursery last night, Mum bought us a massive teddy from Cosco for me to cuddle when James is away working. I took it up stairs to set it on the rocking chair in the nursery and just as I put the light on and went in, the light... Continue Reading →

Monday 20th August The nursery is starting to become a constant reminder of what should be. I don't want to get rid of any thing because then am I giving up on what I want it to be and he future? This morning I had an amazing Skype call with Jodie in Australia, I have... Continue Reading →

Sunday 19th August How did we get to the 19th August already? I can't believe is 5 weeks since we found out Findley's heart had stop beating. Don't get me wrong I am not marking each week as mile stone but in some little way they are a mile stone. A week further away from... Continue Reading →

Saturday 18th August I had a thought that's scared me .. what if I start to forget about Findley. I keep saying that time is flying past at the same time as standing stills. The reason I think this happens is because the memories we want to hold onto and never forget are those moments... Continue Reading →

Friday 17th August I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach this morning. What are they going to tell us today? I really don't know if I can do this. What if my body failed my little boy and I killed him? How is this going to make me feel? Findley give me strength... Continue Reading →

Thursday 16th August It's 1.30am and I can't sleep. After seeing Katie's Seamus yesterday I realised I never let myself imagine what life would be like if Findley hadn't died. I never really allowed myself to go down the route of how he would would be. I knew that my arms were empty and I... Continue Reading →

Wednesday 15th August I was speaking to a friend yesterday who tragically lost her husband in an accident just this year. This obviously has affected my subconscious because I had a dream last night about it. I compared losing a husband to losing a child. They are both equally as life changing and heart breaking... Continue Reading →