Day 38 – what now, not what ifs

Tuesday 21st August

Findley was in the nursery last night, Mum bought us a massive teddy from Cosco for me to cuddle when James is away working. I took it up stairs to set it on the rocking chair in the nursery and just as I put the light on and went in, the light started dimming up and down itself. My little boy has a wicked sense of humour. James said it’s freaky I say funny.

Getting out of bed is still hard, I didn’t get out of bed till 9.30 today, not that I feel bad for it, it just struggle to physically drag my brain out of bed and start my day.

Once am up and going it’s easy enough, I met Teresa for brunch today, it’s nice to meet one of my horsey friends. She has had a tough couple of years with loss and grief too, we sit and tell each other stories and are both in tears at each other grief. I feel her pain as much as she feel mine. It might sound like a sad meet up but it was truly lovely. I could have sat and chatted for hours.

I had a session of reflexology today, it was nice and very relaxing. The therapist reminded me to make sure I have time in my day to centre myself. How had I forgotten about all my yoga breathing that Louise has taught me. Why was I not thinking of using my breathing when I can’t sleep, or when I felt out of control. After session My therapist asks me which areas I felt most, I felt a lot, but one was right in the Centre of my left foot. She give a small smile and says well yes that would be the area for the part of the brain that deals with stress. Totally makes sense as to why that area stands out to you. I really am hoping to get some stress relief and relaxation out of my reflexology, as well as some help with getting my hormones back in check.

Once home I pop to the shop by myself – starting to feel normal – and pick up one or two things. I did think about going to Tesco on my way home but i am not ready for that yet. I don’t think it will be long till I am ready but my social anxiety is stopping me. This is when I wish I lived in a bigger city where the chance of bumping into someone I know is a higher ratio.

James hurt his leg at football last night, am a super rubbish wife I don’t have much sympathy for him. Poor Rosie also isn’t feeling 100%, our poor family are falling a part. Some time I feel like we could do with a little bit of good luck just now.

I haven’t cooked anything since before Findley was born, mainly because standing at the cooked used to drive him nuts. He used to move around like mad when I was cooking, ever since he was a little peanut. I have left James to cook, but I really want to start cooking some health meals for my family. I had sent Jame some links to meals and bless him he has gone and bought all the ingredient we need for them. I would have normally just let him cook, but tonight I decided I would cook. as I cooked I realised that my little baby is no longer in my tummy and I can’t feel him moving. However I remind myself that I can’t change the what if, I can only deal with the What nows, and the What nows are surviving the next few days, weeks, months, surviving our new lives. I am really happy with my butternut squash and red pepper curry! I could defo cook this more often.

I did think about going out in my bike today but I felt tired and relaxed after my reflexology, so though I would just enjoy some me time and Netflix.

I feel like I have achieved a lot of “first” in the last few days, the first are much easier now a days, it amazing how easier things are becoming. I haven’t had any stomach flipping heart reaching moments today, which is really nice as they are exhausting, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

James is thinking he is ready to go back to work next week, I must admit it makes me take a deep breath at the though of not having my crutch, but then I think it guess it will be a sink or swim moment and might actually be good for me? Time will tell. All I know is I have tones of friend and family around me.