Day 39 – alone with my thoughts

Wednesday 22nd August

My poor brain, I am not allowing it any down time this afternoon.

I had a really strange dream last night, surprisingly enough it was about a baby, but this time I wasn’t me I was a man. very weird.

I met Fee today for a bike run, I bought my road bike from Fee, and I haven’t had a chance to get out with her. It was nice to catch up, we chatted a lot about Findley what happened to him, and where I see the future. I like that Fee just feels free to ask me anything, even if she is scared she will upset me, she doesn’t let it stop her. Its hard to explain but I just want people to know that there isn’t anything that they could say that would upset me, it’s just that I am grieving for my little boy, crying is a release of emotion and it’s really healthy, the tears are for me or my boy not because someone has said something that hurt me.

It’s was nice to hear Fees stories and whats been going on with her. I feel like this is all consuming grief and I live in my own bubble, I truly am interested in what other people are up to, I just am not going out of my way to keep in touch and up to date.

My mind is completely consumed with cycling when I am out, it’s fabulous, am not wishing for the future or thinking of the past. Especially when I realise Fee is taking my up big largie. I used to run up here all the time. There is no way of getting out of Insch without going up a big hill. However it is beautiful at the top. 21 miles of random chat did my head some good.

Social media had totally taken over my life before Findley died, I could have happily say on it for hours reading what other people where up to. It’s this also somewhere I would post the day to day things in my life. However it’s just a false image. No one posts saying they just had a miscarriage, or their husband has left them. It’s all about making yourself look good. I do wonder how much pressure it put on us to be perfect. I have really taken a step back since Findley died from social medical and it’s actually really nice. Although I have no real idea what’s going on in everyone lives, I actually do really mind. I also don’t feel the need to post my every move on there either.

I must admit I was thinking today how much this happening to us has really made me realise who my friends Truly are. There are still some people who I have considered to be good friend who I haven’t heard from, or seen. Not to play the victim at all, it’s just I guess a little sad.

I got a message from an old school friend today after my cycle Uploaded to starva, saying how proud she was to see I am back on my bike. I guess when a tragedy happens in your life, you really stand at a fork in the road. You can go one of two way. Just now I really want to get my healthy mind and body back. I am not bothered about my weight, I will loss my baby weight in time, but my mind needs to heal first, and I know that getting back into my fitness will help, it will also help me feel normal and get into a routine again. I have chosen this route. I could chose the route where I sit in bed all day and cry, but I know Findley wouldn’t want me to do that.

Gavin helped James hand our photos today, they look fantastic, I must admit to have a wee cry at the photo on the stairs, as he is just so perfect. I say hi to my wee man as I walk past him. I don’t know if I will ever be able to pass him without saying hi to my baby.

I spend a lot of my afternoon googling, I really need to stop as google doesn’t help me. I was googling for clairvoyants tonight, I just want someone to take me in a little bubble to the future and show me sitting in our nursery holding my rainbow baby. I have an appointment with a clairvoyant shortly but I know they might not even be able to answer my questions.

People might read this and say gosh you have only just lost your baby. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do about the future. Maybe it’s because the present is so difficult and my dreams and heart have been crushed into a million peaces.

I love my little boy and he is such an important part of my life. I am a totally believer that things happen for a reason, it’s just so hard to understand when you don’t know what the reason is. I know I have said this before, it’s probably because I haven’t figured out the reason why Findley isn’t here with me yet. I am sure in time it will become clear.